[Salopbaggie]

My mate has just lost his job as a bingo caller, not because of the lock down, they were playing live online, but because someone thought "a meal for two with a hairy view" was not an appropriate call for number 69.

[Dingle-Dingle]

Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared straight after the flying cup my G/F threw at me.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Stolen from a friend.

Lockdown lingo - are you fully conversant with the new terminology?

*Coronacoaster*
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.

*Quarantinis*
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”, ie. wine o’clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.

*Le Creuset wrist*
It’s the new “avocado hand” - an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

*Coronials*
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.

*Furlough Merlot*
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.

*Coronadose*
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.

*The elephant in the Zoom*
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

*Quentin Quarantino*
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

*Covidiot* or *Wuhan-ker*
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown” or even a “Wuhan-ker”.

*Goutbreak*
The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.

*Antisocial distancing*
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

*Coughin’ dodger*
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.

*Mask-ara*
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.

*Covid-19*
The 19lbs in weight that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as “fattening the curve.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The G/F just asked me what I would like to see her in??

A good mood was obviously the wrong answer.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Congratulations on making it through April.

Welcome to level 5 of Jumanji.....

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Could be worse, said my mate Dave. You could be stuck down a hole in the ground full of water!
I know he means well.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I suffer from CDO, it's like OCD but with all the letters in alphabetical order as they should be.

DD

[drewks]

Before my last operation my anesthetist said he could either knock me out with a gas or a paddle.

I suppose it was an ether /oar situation

??

[Blue Baggie]

Matt Hancock came out with a cracker - the UK's Covid test target reached 122.000 today.

[talkSAFT]

Does anyone on here pronounce 'aitch' as 'haitch'? .........WHY?
My nephew's wife does it, and yet she hardly ever pronounces her aitches! (eg: 'urry up')
I think I was 6 when my teacher corrected a kid for 'haitching', and no kid 'haitched' again. Simple bit of education.

A BBC Presenter did it last night. I'd have sacked her on the spot!