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The Off Topic Thread
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15-10-2019, 00:10
Just been in Tesco`s for a sandwich and a packet of crisps. The girl on the till asked me if I wanted to go for a drink.
I said "I`m flattered love, but I`ve got a girlfriend" She replied, "No it`s part of the meal deal". DD 
Ubique.
15-10-2019, 10:17
I went out with the G/F to a fancy restaurant last night and she kept on insisting to pay for the meal.
I said "Don`t be stupid, we`re halfway down the road now, just keep running." DD 
Ubique.
16-10-2019, 10:16
A Scottish man walks into a bar.
. . . Normally there is an Englishman an Irishman and a Welshman too.... . . . . . . But they are still busy in Japan. DD 
Ubique.
16-10-2019, 13:12
The President of the US is heading for his waiting car and chauffeur when the driver spots someone lurking in the bushes and a flash of light off something like a telescopic sight or rifle. He shouts out "Mickey Mouse Mickey Mouse" and the potential assailant runs away.
The President turns to him and says "Well done but why did you shout out "Mickey Mouse"?. The driver replied " Sorry I got confused. I meant to shout out Donald Duck." DD
Ubique.
17-10-2019, 00:13
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging it's way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opens the door rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clapping CLAPPITY-BUMP... CLAPPITY-BUMP... CLAPPITY-BUMP... On his heels the man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... And... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. The coffin stops. DD 
Ubique.
My generation had Wonder Woman.
This generation has Wonder if it`s a `woman. DD 
Ubique.
21-10-2019, 23:18
The G/F said "Honey I think we should do something really scarey for the kids this Halloween"
I replied "What a good idea, we`ll take them to your Mother`s" DD 
Ubique.
22-10-2019, 23:21
Sad, sad people who are setting off fireworks in the middle of October. One frightened the dog so much he ran and hid under the Christmas Tree.
DD
Ubique.
23-10-2019, 18:33
After getting all of Pope Francis's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. 'There might be something extra in it for you,' says The Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop t ells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the Cop. The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop. The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'Governor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!' DD
Ubique.
23-10-2019, 20:45
I met a young lady at a Christmas do once. She had mistletoe on the table. I asked her if I held up the mistletoe, would she kiss me.
She said "kiss you under the mistletoe, I wouldn't kiss you under anaesthetic......." DD
Ubique.
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