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Breaking news:- A man claims to have learnt how to do Origami backwards.

More on this story as it unfolds.

DD

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Last night the G/F was constantly waking me up saying "FFS will you stop snoring".

After about the 10th time I got up to go for a piss.

She said "While your up, there are some foam ear plugs in the bathroom cabinet"

Well they worked a treat, I popped them in, and didn't hear a peep out of the moaning so and so for the rest of the night .

DD

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A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

It was a Flop.

DD

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The G/F asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.
I said I was afraid Mark Zukerberg was listening!
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.

DD

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"Well, Goodbye Socks!" I said this morning when I ran out of toilet paper.
Was a stupid name for a hamster anyway.

DD

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Did you know??

There are more aeroplanes under the water than there are submarines in the sky.

DD

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Just back from walking the dog and there`s a Chinese drug addict on the park.
He said to me "Have you seen my cocaine"?
I replied, "Not since he starred in Zulu".

DD

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I bought some Viagra from Tesco`s.
I only got a semi, but every little helps.

DD

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If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is.

If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

DD

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I asked the G/F what she would like for her birthday.
She replied "A spa would be nice".
"OK" I said, jabbing her on the nose 3 times,"but you`ll have to be quicker than that"

DD