[silverbaggie]

How do you know when elephants have been making love in your garden?

The grass is rolled flat and all the bin liners have gone.

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"Hello and welcome to the Psychiatric Helpline.

If you are obsessive- compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities press 3,4,5 and 6"

[Dingle-Dingle]

I’ve just invented a new toilet with a built in Xbox and play station. I am going to market it as “Throne of Games”

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Quick question for the ladies...... If you fart whilst wearing a thong... Does it whistle?? DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Can’t believe we only got a semi from the English woman’s football team

I rang my G/F earlier and asked what time she would be home because Sharon and Bob were round and they said they really wanted a foursome. Less than 5 minutes later she burst in the front door and ran straight upstairs. She came back down 10 minutes later wearing a very sexy lace number and had a massive fat lubed up dildo in her hand. We had tennis racquets in ours.....

Boys: you know you’re getting old when you walk by some priests and don’t even get a wink.

The first thing I look for in a woman is a good heart, the fact her tits are in the way of it is not my fault!

What’s the difference between pink and purple? Your grip...

Can you imagine parents in the future explaining to their children how they met? Well, I posted a bathroom pouting selfie that your father liked. Then he sent me a dick pic and here we all xxxx are!'

The first man in space was Yuri Garin. Most people didn't know he had a stammer.

Coq au Vin... Is French for dogging.

Honey made by those bad tempered stripey bastard wasps is called Marmite.

Recipe for Thick Chicken Soup: 1. Find a really xxxx stupid chicken, 2. Make soup.

SYCOPHANT - ˈsɪkəfant/noun. What Declan Donnelly is. ..for the sake of balance , Ant's probably sick of him too.

Did you know? Before that miserable soul sucking twat Isaac Newton discovered gravity in 1687, people could fly.

Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.

Breaking news. Guy shot with a starting pistol. Police think it's race related!

This is Bob. Bob has no arms. 'Knock knock' "Who is it?" Well it isn't xxxx Bob is it you piss taker!

Just walked past a university and shouted BOO! 7 students went to the hospital, 734 needed counselling, the windows shattered in the quiet room and all classes have been cancelled until further notice!

I'm not an alcoholic. I'm just in a constant state of celebration. I' an alcoholigist.

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home. Little Johnny throws his bag out the window. Teacher: Who just threw that?
Little Johnny: Me ha ha, I'm xxxx going home now!

No matter whose house you visit there’s always one stolen pint glass from the pub! The shifty pikey footpads!

I found a note stuck on my door from my sexy blonde neighbour today saying "I want you to come round tonight and xxxx me stupid" Well she can piss right off. Nobody calls me names and then asks for a favour

Paddy went to his local shop and said, "I want to make a complaint! This vinegar's got lumps in it".
"You xxxx prick" replied the shopkeeper, "Those are pickled onions."

DD
2

[Dingle-Dingle]

I keep telling myself to stop talking to wierdo`s, but then I realise I wouldn`t have any friends left. DD

[Stairs]

Some of these are absolute gems.

Keen them coming DD - these alone justifies people donating money to keep Sportsbabble up and running

[Dingle-Dingle]

Quick question for the ladies...... If you fart whilst wearing a thong... Does it whistle?? DD    

Actually it Quack`s, like the sound you get when you blow through a piece of grass held between your thumbs. DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

So there I was sat in my van. I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour. Then there was movement at the front door. I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me. As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van. I crossed the road, nervously, aware that at any time someone could notice me or the woman from the house could come back. I launched myself over the garden wall and fell to the ground. My heart was beating in anticipation of someone shouting out to me. I crawled slowly to the door. Once there I looked around once more to check my surroundings. Then I lifted the letterbox slowly and quietly. Once my work was done, I slowly closed the letter box aware that any sound might disturb someone and make them come to the door. I then jumped up and ran for my life, jumped into the van and drove off at speed away from the scene. And another ‘Sorry you were out’ card is successfully delivered. Proud to be Royal Mail.

DD

[BaggieMan]

Is this man a ‘Dastardly Dingle’ ?

https://youtu.be/aUFidVw66Mo

[Dingle-Dingle]

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby nappies have brand names such as Pampers, Huggies and luvs, while adult nappies are called Depends.
Well here`s the low down.
When babies crap in their pants, people will still Luv`em, Hug`,em and Pamper em.
When old people crap in their pants it Depends who`s in the will.

DD