[Dingle-Dingle]

   

   

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

There were two little boys elected to be in the school play, each having a small line to recite.
The first boy had to say,
“Oh fair maid, I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope.”
The second boy on hearing this was to say,
“Hark, a pistol shot.”
The night of the play arrived, and the two very nervous boys, each aware that his parents was in the front row, came onto the stage.
Finally, it was time for the first boy to speak, and, being very nervous said,
“Oh fair maid, I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap.”
On hearing this, the second boy, even more upset said,
“Hark, a histol spot, a pistol shit, a pit shot, a pot shit, a shit pot, a shit slot, a cow shit…bullshit…..bollocks, I didn’t want to be in the xxxx play in the first place.”

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.
So I ran after her shouting,"You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said,"You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just fcukin' told you On the floor outside McDonald's."

DD

   

[Dingle-Dingle]

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow!"
comments the midget.
"Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,"
says the little fellow,
"but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says,
"Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counselling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks,
"We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women.
But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not,"
says the Mullah.
"It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?
"No,"
answered the Mullah,
"It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay,"
says the man,
"What about sex? Can we finally have sex?
"Of course!,"
replies the Mullah,
Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"Allah be praised!"
"What about different positions?"
asks the man.
"No problem,"
says the Mullah.
"Allah be praised!
Woman on top?"
the man asks.
"Sure,"
says the Mullah.
Go for it!"
"Allah be praised!"
"Doggy style?
"Sure!
"Alla be praised!"
"On the kitchen table?
"Yes, yes!"
"Allah be praised!"
"Can we I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed."
"Allah be praised!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No."
says the Mullah."
"Why not?"
asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing."

DD

[talkSAFT]

Hahahahaha
Brilliant, DD.
Keep 'em coming, mate.

[Dingle-Dingle]

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol .. . . . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
The Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive …
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Beefy was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said . . .
"If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Beefy`s wife told him she'd leave him if he ever came home drunk again, but there he was down the pub so pissed that he'd thrown up all over himself.
"I'm doomed" he told his mate. "My wife is sure to leave me now!"
"Listen" said his mate "just go home with a £20 note and explain it was not you, but someone else who chucked up over you, and he gave you £20 to pay for the dry cleaning".
So he went home and before his wife could say anything, he explained how a man in the pub had thrown up over him and given him the £20 he had in his hand for the drycleaning.
"Why have you got two £20 pound notes in your hand?" she asked
"Oh" he replied "the other one's from the fella who shat in my pants"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The G/F told me that if she caught me looking at porn on the internet again she`d smash my face into the keybchqwdyufejklzsdvbascbvgawefiodfgtfcvbweaf,zxgf

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Joseph and Mary lived in a barn. Mary had just given birth to a baby boy, Joseph was a carpenter by trade but had no work.
On this particular day, after another unsuccessful day at the job centre, Joseph trudges back to the barn on his donkey. He then notices three men on camels carrying parcels and they take them into the barn.

Joseph gets off his donkey, storms into the barn and shouts, "For xxxx's sake, Mary; we've just had a baby, I'm unemployed and you are ordering stuff out of the xxxx catalogue."

DD