[Dingle-Dingle]

As it’s ‘May the Forth be with you Day’ today I thought I’d treat myself to some limited edition Star Wars Haribo...never again, they were horrible, they were all Chewie......

   

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I was going to donate blood today. until the nurse started getting all personal, asking.....

"Who`s blood is this"?

"Where did you get it"?

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Paranoid people who check behind their shower curtain for axe murderer`s...........

What is the plan if you find one??

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

God it`s warm... I`ve just stripped naked and opened all the windows. Feels much better.

The bus driver`s not very happy though.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

All women are BI........

It`s your job to guess whether it`s sexual or polar.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I was having a conversation with two friends today ( Bill and Ruth ) about wearing 'hand me down clothes' and always hearing don't worry you'll grow into them.
Bill told us that he was made to wear clothes from the army/navy surplus stores in Woverhampton and he was glad when his 10th birthday came and he was bought new clothes so he didn't have to go to school dressed as a Japanese Admiral anymore.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Two Dingles are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Wolverhampton. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Dingles ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies, "Dingle eggs."
The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it. She calls for immediate backup & a SWAT team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.
"I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Dingle eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle!"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Just seen that Wayne Rooney has been to visit Sir Alex Ferguson.

"His speech has improved and he can now string a sentence together" said Fergie.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause, hot-flashes, bikini shaving rashes, water retention, indecision when clothes shopping, mood swings, sore boobs, hair that wont do what its asked to, waterproof mascara that isn’t, bras that don’t fit once a month, chocolate addiction, handbag that hides anything dropped into it, no idea of the off side rule and an ability after 2 glasses of wine to screech like a banshee when dessert arrives. Men have to deal with women. Sigh.

Sir Paul McCartney tops Sunday Times musicians Rich List with £730 million fortune. I bet Heather Mills is kicking herself! - oh, wait…….

I’m not saying my G/F has a loud fart.. But she’ll never be hit by a ship.

I care about how women feel. The firmer the better and tied up and naked.

My G/F’s a bit like Pinocchio. Every time she tells me lies, her nose swells up.

I was chatting to a fit bird in the gym earlier when the question came up, “What bra size are you?” Cheeky bitch!

I was in court today and the judge asked, “How do you plead?” I replied, “Usually on my knees when I want sex with my G/F. But I’m here for parking on double yellow lines so fine me and xxxx me off.”

Knock! Knock!

Who’s There?

A midget

A midget who…

A midget who cant reach the xxxx doorbell.

I finally found out why blondes wear those big, jangly hoops for earrings. Stirrups !!

Don’t ever get half-drunk, its a waste of money.

I’ll leave £1,000 in my will to the person that comes to my funeral dressed in the Scream outfit and doesn’t say a word.

When filmstars go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in their situation. xxxx passed out in Finding Nemo yesterday evening….

I’m so glad you don’t give a shit, because that would be a disgusting gift.

Apple has just introduced the new iPad Mini…for those light days.

Why don’t gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

A push-up bra is like a bag of crisps. You open it up and the xxxx is half empty.

In my day doing a duck face involved two Pringles.

When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty twisted perverted bastard”.

You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of crisps getting stuck in a vending machine, watch them push a pull door, shop in a busy supermarket with a hangover, or you jump them from behind a dark door way screaming “Surprise”!

Unfortunately my moral compass only runs on solar power

Battery chickens really play up if you ram some AAA's up ‘em.

PREPARE your kids for Social Media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing several shitty comments underneath it.

Well, that was an awkward birthday dinner! Turns out that MILF doesn’t stand for Mum I’ll Love Forever......

They say women have better memories than men. Bollocks — every time I chat up a fit bird, she can’t remember her real phone number.

I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy. This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

As my G/F lay dead on the floor and the weapon lay next to her the detective said, “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“I was cleaning it and it went off”, I replied.
“It’s a xxxx bow and arrow”, He shouted.

I was washing my car just now when my annoying neighbour shouted over to me, “You can clean mine next if you want, Ha ha?” xxxx hell, it’s bad enough I have to xxxx his wife for him.

DD

[4evaabaggie]

My son wanted to train as a history teacher, he asked my opinion, I told him " there's no future in it "