[Dingle-Dingle]

Shot my first turkey today. Frightened the shit out of the people in the frozen food section at Asda.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

How many Dingles does it take to change a light bulb

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-all who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light-bulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

In response to the proposed merger of Asda and Sainsbury`s, Poundstretcher and M&S are merging.....

They will be known as StretchMarks.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I bought one of those watches that tell you how far you've walked. It says I did 15 miles last night.
Must be broken. I was in bed watching porn.

DD

[Salopbaggie]

My G/F told me women were better at multi tasking than men.
So I told her to sit down and shut up.
Guess what, she couldn't do either !!..

DD    

My wife said men can’t multi task.

I said yes they can, for example when I make love to you I think of my girlfriend.

I get out of hospital soon.

Well I think men can multi-task as well, e.g: they can say to the wife "no love your backside does not look big in that" and keep a straight face at the same time.

[Dingle-Dingle]

I can count on the finger on one hand the number of times I have used a chainsaw when drunk......

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My Grandfather told me that he saw The Titanic, and that from the beginning he warned all the people that, that the boat would sink, but they ignored him. However they were warned again on several occassions,......... until they kicked him out the cinema.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I ate 4 cans of alphabet spaghetti yesterday....... I`ve just had the world`s biggest vowel movement.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Most women don`t answer video calls before 9 AM because their faces have been reset to factory settings..... DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The next door neighbour’s cat is xxxx mental; I shine a laser pointer in my neighbour's window when they've gone out and their cat has trashed 3 sets of mini blinds and five net curtains chasing it so far. They have no idea it's me. Bloody epic, well, until they put him down I guess,

Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Starbucks : 47 pictures.

How to confuse a fat nymphomaniac. Give her a cholate dildo.

Give a man a beer and he will entertain you…Hold a mans beer and he will entertain the bloody world.

Face Book, why do birds lie when they get compliments on pics? Givin it "OMG Abby you're so pretty too" when Abby clearly looks like a xxxx fat melted spatula

Our beloved F.A. - after selling off Wembley, why not see if you can get a few quid for Bobby Moore’s ashes, Alf Ramsey’s soul or Gordon Banks glass eye.

A dog-poo bag makes an ideal bin-liner for Action Man to sleep rough in when the war's over.

Australians don’t have sex…Australians mate.

Veganism is like Communism. They are both fine, unless you like food.

Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism among any animal.

I bet Batman’s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he’s willing to admit.

TURN any noun into an insult by simply putting 'You absolute' before it. Examples...

You absolute drum

You absolute fridge

You absolute shed

You absolute goose

You absolute bollard

Make women's football more entertaining by watching it on fast forward and playing the Benny Hill theme tune at the same time.

EXTENSIVE experimentation has shown me that tomato puree is the best thing to add to your cat's food to turn its urine orange.

Save on expensive Ski wear by wearing the jacket off your boiler and oven gloves.

RELIVE your school days by writing ,ɹoʇɐןnɔןɐɔ, across your G/F’s tits.

Masochists. Avoid paying a fortune at fetish parlors. Simply walk through Wolverhampton in the early hours. That way, you can get beaten up, humiliated and sexually assaulted free of charge.

One of my favorite Facebook activities is to find a picture of 3 girls and comment "wow you 2 look amazing" and then sit back and watch the comments explode

CASH strapped police forces. The average police woman’s uniform costs around £250. But Ann Summers’ shops do a wipe-clean one for under twenty. So save money and improve public relations in one stroke.

Consuming alcohol lowers the body’s reserves of vital elements such as iron, potassium, water and bacon. Every unit of alcohol kills the equivalent of two inches of bacon which must be replaced the next morning.

Women love a man brimming with confidence. Because, without that, what’s to destroy?

I am very like of using Google Translate.

Been caught wearing your G/F's knickers again? ..Simply explain that you're stretching them so she can fit her fat arse into them and hey presto 2 black eyes and no sex for a month.

DD