[Dingle-Dingle]

A man who has been never been able to speak has had revolutionary surgery where donated vocal chords were implanted into his testicles enabling him to talk for the 1st time.
A spokesman said "The Idea's not new ….talking bollocks is what Bono, Donald Trump, and Jeremy Corbyn have been doing for years!"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The G/F has just come into the living room wearing a little PVC number, fishnets and high heels. She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down relax, and when she comes back she will give me "what she does best". I can`t wait...... I love her Shepherd`s pie.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I`ve just filled my fish tank up with "Lilt".

Now it`s totally tropical......

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The Met Office has just issued a yellow rain warning. That must mean it is going to piss it down.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Income Tax........ The fine you pay for being a productive member of society.

Benefits.............. The reward you get for being an unproductive member of society.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A farmer in devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunatly he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I went to the zoo the other day and saw a loaf of mother´s pride in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My neighbour said to me today:

"Ding, how come you have so many cars?"

"Well," I said "The G/F and I have been doing a bit of swinging recently"

"Oh right" he said sheepishly "Do a lot of them stay over then?"

"No" I said "It's just that every time she pulls a set of keys out the hat, the owner fucks off"...

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Top tip........

If you ever date a Dominatrix......... Never suggest it`s time to hit the sack.

Humans are deuterostomes, which means that when they develop in the womb, the anus forms before any other opening. Which basically means at one point, you were nothing but an arsehole. Some people actually never develop beyond this stage!

You know the part of your arsehole that supposedly tells you if it's just a fart, or it's actually a shit?... Yeah, I need a new one of those!

Facebook , cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.

Biologically Speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.

As a child, I used to play with an imaginary man who lived in a well. He'd be crying, "Please, please, I'm not imaginary!" and I'd just laugh and laugh and chuck bricks down on him.

Everything I have learned about women has come from a pamphlet in a tampon box and watching their reaction to chocolate.

The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.

I guarantee there's a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks 'Ebola' would be a lovely name for their child.

According to my nipples, summer is over

You know those orange cones they put on the motorway for you to knock down? I just smashed my high score!

You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal xxxx pigeon.

Judging from the amount of bar receipts, ATM withdrawals, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I'm xxxx awesome when I black out.

Without that little voice in your head, you wouldn’t be able to read this.

The first word you should teach your baby is “brains”. Then, until he/she learns another word, you’ll have the cutest little zombie ever!

It’s ‘before’, not ‘b4′. Speak xxxx English, not Battleships.

I don’t run often, but when I do, it’s with arms and fingers completely straight, super-cool gymnast style.

I'm not saying the G/F's bipolar, but it took me two hours to figure out her mood ring wasn't a strobe light.

My gf called me childish. I told her, be careful who you’re calling childish because if I’m a child, that makes you a pedophile. And I’ll be fucked if I’m going to sit here and get lectured by a pervert.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

DD