BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE SYMPTOM
1. Feet cold and wet
CAUSE - Glass being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
2. Feet warm and wet
CAUSE - Improper Bladder Control
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
3. Beer unusually pale and tasteless
CAUSE - A. Glass empty OR B. You're holding a Coors Lite
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Get someone to buy you another beer
4. Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
CAUSE - You have fallen over backward.
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Have yourself lashed to the bar
5. Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
CAUSE - You have fallen forward
CORRECTIVE ACTION - See above
6. Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
CAUSE - A. Mouth not open OR B. Glass applied to wrong part of face
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror
7. Floor Blurred
CAUSE - You are looking through bottom of empty glass
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Get someone to buy you another beer
8. Floor moving
CAUSE - You are being carried out
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Find out if you are being taken to another bar
9. Room seems unusually dark
CAUSE - Bar has closed
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Confirm home address with bartender. If staff have gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.
10. Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
CAUSE - Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
11. Everyone looks up to you and smiles
CAUSE - You are dancing on the table
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Fall on someone cushy-looking
12. Beer is crystal-clear
CAUSE - It's water!
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him
13. People are standing around urinals, talking
CAUSE - You're in the ladies' room. Do not use urinal!
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting (optional)
14. Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
CAUSE - You have been in a fight
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them
15. You don't recognize anyone or the room you're in
CAUSE - You've wandered into the wrong party
CORRECTIVE ACTION - See if they have free beer
16. Your bedroom is painted grey, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
CAUSE - A. You're in jail OR B. You're in the navy
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
17. You are dancing to a Village People song and your partner is wearing leather chaps
CAUSE - You're in a gay bar
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for back rubs
18. Your singing sounds distorted
CAUSE - The beer is too weak
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Have more beer until your voice improves
19 . Don't remember the words to the song
CAUSE - Beer is just right
CORRECTIVE ACTION - play air guitar.
DD
