[Dingle-Dingle]

Please pray for my G/F.
She got stung by a bee on her forehead. She`s in A&E right now. her face all swollen and bruised. She almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My girlfriend just rang me. She said,
"Two packages arrived today. The first was your Playstation 4 and the second is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours."

I said, "You'll be xxxx lucky... I only ordered one controller."

DD

[Arcane Astral Aeons]

My new black neighbour popped his head over the fence and said, “Yo my man, what’s going down?”

I said, “The price of my proper ... My God! Is that you Anthony Joshua?”

“It is.” he said, looking me directly in the eye.

“In which case its, West Brom.”

[Dingle-Dingle]

I went to Edinburgh zoo to see the Pandas from China......
Hugely, overweight,massive tits,and two black eyes,they look Scottish already. !!!!!

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I tried to impress this stunner of a girl last night by putting my foot right down on the pedal ....
She said "it’s ok I’ve seen a bin open before....."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I was in Curry's earlier today and I asked my G/F "What's your favourite tele tubby?"
She said "Tinky Winky." I rolled my eyes and replied
"No you twit, which TV do you want?"!!!!!!!

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

TEACH your child about the importance of punctuation by making them some "No, More Tears" shampoo out of lemon juice, vinegar and bleach.

Ensure your wedding day is an entertaining one by inviting all your exes to attend.

BOSS: Did you get the memo about not vaping in the men’s toilets anymore?
ME: [vaping in the ladies toilets] I did.

5 days to Valentines... ...women have suddenly become more polite than Oxfam customer care..

Kids of today, when your parents say why they don't write songs with proper words nowadays? Politely ask them what the xxxx is a Sussudio, a lamadamadingdong, do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do or a tutti frutti a wap bop a looba a woo bam boom for fucks sake.

To join The National Dyslexic Association you have to take a DNA test.

Apparently you can’t use the word Beefstew as a password……. It’s not stroganoff!

Things I have learnt today, lasers can go on and off in Femtoseconds, bit like a female if you forget a birthday or anniversary.

Why do giraffes have such long necks?
So their heads aren’t floating in mid-air.

When you run out of post-it notes, how the hell do you remind yourself to buy some more?

I have just invented a new word: Plagiarism

Arsenal and Scunthorpe are two of only three football clubs in the UK to have swear words in their names. The other being Man xxxx wank United.

My Doctor told my mate if he didn’t make some changes to his lifestyle he probably wouldn’t see his next birthday. Meh, he said, I'm a 41-year-old Scotsman, I've had a bloody good run.

First rule of business, know your customers. Greggs have the widest entrance of any shops.

Just been diagnosed with agoraphobia………………….get in!

Thinking of becoming a parent? To see if you've got what it takes, keep a young hungry hyper active ADHD goat in your house for 24hrs first.

Mother-in-law came round this morning, last time I’m buying chloroform from Poundland!

On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother!"

Saw a mind reader last night.....
Mind reader: "Think of a card, any card."
Me: "OK"
Mind reader: "Visualize it in your mind."
Me: "OK"
Mind reader: "Is it the King of Hearts?"
Me: "No"
Mind reader: "Is it the Ace of diamonds?"
Me: "No"
Mind reader: "What is it then?"
Me: "Happy Birthday"

DD

[4evaabaggie]

DD, I thought of a card ...... it's you ...... your a right card.

[Dingle-Dingle]

During the service, the vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to relate a story about prayers, which had been answered.
A young lady stood up and came forward.
She said,
''I have a story of answered prayers.’
‘Two months ago, my husband, John, whilst serving abroad in the army was blown up and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.’'
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor soldier John experienced. Some even covered themselves with their hands.
She continued, '‘John was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of John's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'’
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on the brave soldier. Some had watering eyes.
She continued, ‘'Now, John is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.’'
All the men sighed with relief.
The vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, '‘I'm John and I would like to tell my young beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum''.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Nicola Sturgeon is seeing a fortune teller.

Concentrating very hard the fortune teller closes her eyes and says "I see you going down a large street, in a car with the top down, and people are yelling 'Hurrah!' "
Nicola smiles and asks, "So, the crowd is happy?"
"Oh yes, like never before!"
"And are the people running behind the car ?"
"Yes, they are all around the car, they are going daft! The police are having trouble clearing the way and controlling the crowd !"
"Are the people carrying flags?"
"Oh yes, Scottish flags and banners with words of hope for a better future."
"Really, and the people are yelling and singing?"

"Oh yes, the people are yelling out messages of hope, that everything will be better now!"

"And me, how am I reacting to all this?”

"I can't see."

"Why?"

"The coffin is closed..."!!....

DD