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I went to a fancy dress party with two of my mates.I went dressed up bald head,wearing sunglasses and sucking a lolly,every one guessed I was Kojak.
My mate went with uncombed hair,cigar stub in mouth and wearing a dirty old raincoat,Every one guessed, Columbo.
The other one had every one fooled,he went covered in chocolate with a stick up his bum..................
No one guessed........
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Magnum....... DD

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The Salvation Army called me today,apparently my services serving Christmas dinner to the homeless at the centre will not be needed !!!
I mean last Christmas all i said was .... "Will you lot hurry up for fucks sake, some of us have got homes to go to !"

DD

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My G/F asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector!!

DD

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I always get the wrong presents for my G/F at Christmas
But not this year !!
I know what she wants because I've just found her Christmas list !!

Milk
Sugar
Teabags
Tampax
Chocolate
Job done, she's gonna be really pleased with me !!!

DD

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I was in Pizza Hut last night and Good King Wenceslas came in.

I knew it was him. He ordered Pizza.....

Deep pan, crisp and even.

DD

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Please don't drink and drive during Christmas and New Year.

If you want to drive safely, I can help you out.

Please call me, I'm very experienced and will come and will drink virtually anything on your behalf, allowing you to drive safely, and without fear of prosecution.

Happy Christmas! DD

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Irish animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm outside Dublin last night, they escaped with 5,000 Turkeys.
A spokesman for the gang said, "We will be releasing the birds back into the wild, just as soon as they have been defrosted!"

DD

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Bakers, when making baguettes this Christmas, add some dill to your dough for an extra naughty treat

Alan Carr- trick people into thinking that you're a boxer by saying, "I've been punched in the ring that many times, I've got a cauliflower rear."

Don’t worry about old age, it doesn’t last that long!

“Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?” Said my late wife.

You know you’re fat when you drop something and think to yourself “Do I really need it?”

What happens when a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?

David Bowie once bought Bing Crosby a pom pom for Christmas. Not just any old pom pom though....It was a proper pom pom... That song will be with you for the rest of the day now.

Test your G/F's sense of humour this christmas ...buy her a xxxx broomstick.

Due to an unfortunate typo I’ve just received a pair of wanking boots from Amazon. Fair play, good fun tho!

The police phoned me to tell me my Mother in Law was in hospital. "How is she?" I asked. "Very critical," replied the officer. "What's she xxxx complaining about now?" I said.

Reading is just staring at dead wood and hallucinating

Just opened door twentytwelvety on my Dianne Abbott advent calendar

Went to a Christmas panto for people suffering from paranoid schizophrenia last night. It was going well till someone shouted, He's behind you.....

Tesco. Consider putting the Samaritans phone number on your Christmas meals for one.

According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.

DD

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Merry Christmas to all our readers.

Not a happy bunny today . I waited an hour in a queue waiting to get my G/F a Christmas present ,only to find out, Poundland don't do gift vouchers.

DD

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Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire pudding fell out. Got to love my Aunt Bessie. DD