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I wasn`t planning on going for a run this morning........

But those coppers came out of nowhere.

DD

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I asked my G/F to describe me in five words, she said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect, then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spacing. .

When I get coffee at Starbucks and the guy asks me my name I read his name tag and say his name and then he's like "Nooo wayy! That's my name too!" and I go like "Nooo wayy!" and I always think I'll get something free but I don't.

Don't ask the dog if they've farted. They'll wag their tail and make it worse!

"You're an angel." I said lovingly to my G/F, as I shoved the Christmas tree up her arse.

Just back from the Conspiracy Theory Club. You wont believe the first xxxx rule!

DD

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The office Xmas party is nearly here, a time when all my colleagues get pissed and have fun while I just sit in the corner feeling lonely and desperate. Or Angela and Denise from accounts as they’re usually known.

DD

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I phoned the police the other day . "whats your emergency" they asked .
I said " two girls are fighting over me "
"ok " she paused " well whats the problem "?
" the fat ones winning "

DD

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Last night whilst watching television I said to the G/F "you know what you're the absolute double of Jennifer Anniston".
She gave me a cheeky grin and said "really?"
I said, "yes sweetheart she's 9 stone and you're 18".
I truly appreciated everything the paramedics did last night. I'm in Ward 15, and I'd like some visitors...

DD

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Just having a drink and a chat with a guy over a pint in the local at lunchtime today, I discovered he was worth around £4 million and he shared the amazing story of how he got so rich.
Basically when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell. He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time
.
He told me how he left school at 15 and bought an old caravan cheap and spent a few weeks fixing it up. He then sold it for profit. He used the money to buy another and so on. He did this a lot over the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.
He eventually moved onto motor homes in the 90's and then onto cars in the last eight or nine years even during the real bad times he plugged away. He worked long hours as you do in the caravan trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.
Then his uncle died and left him £4 million.

DD

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Breaking news........Due to bad weather the Baggage Handlers strike at Heathrow Airport has been diverted to Manchester.

DD

[drewks]

DD. - pleeeaase keep on posting! Brings a tear to me trousers

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When I was young we were very poor and I sometimes had to wear my sister's old clothes to school. Turned up in the same dress as my teacher one day. Don't know who was more embarrassed, him or me.

DD

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Working on a building site today and the delivery driver said "Can you sign for these elevators"?

I said "Sorry I don`t accept lifts from strangers..... "

DD