[Amelia Chaffinch]

I know Ska'd will be doing one for you but if you want to read my match preview and join in, I/we would like that.
http://www.sportsbabble.co.uk/thread-5882.html

[Dingle-Dingle]

Bloody trick or treaters, someone dressed as Gloria Gaynor just knocked my door.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.....

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I'd like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday's marathon. ..Your lack of support got me through.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Later this year, older taxpayers in the UK will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel' payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment?
A. It is money that the government will give to taxpayers

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland and Luxembourg

*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein

*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Switzerland.

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco.

* If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Romania or Bulgaria

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you buy a luxury car it will go to India or Germany

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1. Spending it at car boot sales

2. Going to night clubs

3. Spending it on call girls

4. Buying cider, beer or scotch

5. Getting yourself aTattoo

6. Visiting a bookie

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)

Conclusion:

Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer all day and night! It's the patriotic thing to do.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Just been out for a walk and this guy came up to me and asked if I had any shit?
I said "yeah I have a bag of shit " He said he had 40 quid. I said ok and gave him the bag and took the money.
I think I'll walk the dog more often!!.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My G/F came into my shed earlier, and said to me:

''I'm not being funny, when are you going to do something with your life? All you do is sit in this shit heap all day, making crap inventions! And not just that, they never work or do anything!!"

It was at this point that my newest invention, the Slap-A-Fat-Twat-O-Matic-3000 proved her wrong.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."
"I am entering," said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?""
First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes...
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the xxxx is Tony Blair?" asked Pinocchio....

DD

[Worldclassalbion]

My wife says if she catches me looking at porn on the computer again she's going to smash my head off the keyboarzkildmewnsapogwkhdjdkkssjssssssskksk

[4evaabaggie]

What kind of joke is this ...... Jake "the inactive" Livermore has been included in the England squad for the friendlies.

Not totally blaming him for his poor performances, it's hard to play good football when you have been bored into a deep sleep nae coma, the rest of the squad aren't far behind, by our dynamic fast following champagne all conquering don't leave our final third at all costs football ........ 8 defensive players, etc etc etc

[Dingle-Dingle]

I`ve taken the batteries out of my Carbon Monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

DD