[Dingle-Dingle]

Newsflash!!!!!!

Humans eat more banana`s than monkey`s.

I can`t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My G/F recently told me: "We'd have less arguments if you weren't so pedantic".
I replied, "Don't you mean 'fewer'?"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

After 10 years, the G/F starts to think our kid looks kind of different, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
G/F: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Me: "What’s up?"
G/F: "According to DNA test results, this is not our kid."
Me: "Well you don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped and you said,
“Please go and change the baby, I’ll wait here for you.”
So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there."
Moral: Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him....

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Why does the Norwegien navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandanavian.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I'm sick of women saying men can't multi task!
I can tell my G/F how beautiful she looks
and keep a straight face at the same time!!..

DD

[Stairs]

I'm sick of women saying men can't multi task!
I can tell my G/F how beautiful she looks
and keep a straight face at the same time!!..

DD    

Who said men can't multi task. I can make love to my wife and think of my girlfriend at the same time.

[Dingle-Dingle]

Got my TV licence through today. Framed and proudly displayed on wall as you come in front door. Can't wait to see the G/F's face when she comes home and sees me legally wearing her knickers and tights.

I've recently converted two rooms in our house into one. We now have a 22 foot ceiling in our living room.

'I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ was originally going to be called ‘Butter, My Аrѕe'.

Doctors researching the causes of Sudden Testicular Thrombosis Syndrome abandoned the study after learning that sufferers had previously answered the question "Does my arse look big in this?"

The first born child of a British Army Gurkha is called a Gherkin.

Much in the same way as bees make honey from pollen, wasps harvest hatred and spin it into marmite.

Eddie Stobart has this morning denied naming one of their lorries 'Tess Tickles', by dismissing the rumour as complete bollocks

If you've ate something dodgy and you want to make yourself sick stick one finger in your mouth and one up your bum......if that don't work swap fingers.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I`ll always remember the first words I said to my G/F.......

"Will you go out with me?..... Blink twice for yes, smell this rag for no."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Why should you never wear Ukrainian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fall out.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehova`s Witness so he wouldn`t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after Police saw people actually letting him in.

DD