[4evaabaggie]

Dingle-dingle, your right, I never look that closely at anything doghead. Has the club devalued by 50%, austerity is worse than I thought.

[silverbaggie]

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper.
“I’m looking for a man with three qualifications:-
1) he won’t beat me up,
2) he won’t run away from me, and
3) he is great in bed.”

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim”, says the man, “I’m answering your advert”
“Look I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and no legs so I can't run away.”

“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman asks.

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

[Dingle-Dingle]

I sent that "Ancestry" site some information on my family tree.

They sent me a pack of Seeds, and suggested that I start over.

DD

[silverbaggie]

A blonde is about to take her first ever driving test.

She gets into the car and immediately the instructor says: “ I’m sorry but you have failed.”

Blonde: “But why, all I have done is just got into the car.”

Instructor: “Yes, but you sat on the back seat

[Dingle-Dingle]

A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office complaining about a pain in his private parts. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “We will start with a sperm test. Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, teeth in, teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?” The old man replied, “Yes, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the damn jar open!”

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Some of those blokes on the Tour De France are cheating, they’re on bloody motorbikes!

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Wimbledon coverage is much better with the sound turned off.

It`s awesome with the picture off.

DD

[silverbaggie]

A thief sticks a pistol in a man's ribs and demands, "Give me your money."

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a politician!"

The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

[Dingle-Dingle]

You won’t hear from me for a while. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables..
I gotta lilo..

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I ran out of coffee this morning. Tequila seemed a suitable replacement.

Everyone is so pretty today. DD