[aries22]

I tried to log in on my iPad.
Turns out it was an Etch a Sketch and I dont own an iPad.
Also I`m out of beer.......

DD    

I don't get that.

---

I was feeling frisky in bed last night so I said to the wife, "Do you fancy me?" And she said, "What as?"

[silverbaggie]

A doctor tells his patient, "Mr Jones, you are highly contagious and must be placed in total isolation.
Until we can get in contact with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, your diet will have to consist of pizza and fried eggs only."

"Will that help me get better again?" asks Mr Jones.

"Not really," said the Doctor, "but they are the only things that we can shove under the door."

[Dingle-Dingle]

I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs in this weather. They must be baking in there.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
Johnny: Because I have 1 at home!!!

DD

[silverbaggie]

Little Johnny comes home from school and tells his daddy, “Dad, tomorrow evening there’s a special ‘Adults’ evening’ at school.”

Daddy is surprised, “Really? Special?” "Am I invited?"

“Yes,” nods Johnny, “it will be just you, me, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers.”

[Dingle-Dingle]

I was having sex with the G/F last night. We did it doggy style and it lasted one hour and thirty minutes...
That's four and a half minutes in human time.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

POLICE WARNING:

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called ...Beer. The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewed enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this beer and the women administering it..... There are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" or "Fishing" in the phone book.

DD

[silverbaggie]

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

[Dingle-Dingle]

Its quite ironic that 'strap on' backwards spells 'no parts'

DD

[silverbaggie]

Little Johnny said “Mommy, I sneaked out of my room last night and I looked through your door and saw you jumping on daddy’s tummy.”

“Yes”, said Mommy, “we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so that all the air will come out.”

“Oh, but I know why that isn’t working – the lady from next door comes round every afternoon when you go out shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”