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Out before the holidays. Be safe always: Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and shit like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.
They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who is a drinker and worries about your safety.
DD 
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06-11-2014, 19:10
(This post was last modified: 06-11-2014, 19:36 by Dingle-Dingle.)
Christmas adverts on telly already............ ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH KMN. DD 
It has been a theory of mine that the Government is trying it's best to get everyone to spend all their time at home!
First they banned smoking in public places, then they pushed up the prices of alcohol in pubs & clubs, but made it cheaper than bottled water in supermarkets and bargain booze shops.Pushed up fuel and road duty prices to keep us off the roads. Showed us how good HD TV with it's multi speaker surround systems are! SO now I just think xxxx IT I'll just spend a tenner at the shop and then sit at home with my music or a film on and drink and smoke to my hearts content! Go on tell me I'm wrong. DD 
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07-11-2014, 13:51
(This post was last modified: 07-11-2014, 14:12 by Dingle-Dingle.)
I said to my new girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."
What fun that was...
I used to go out with a girl who used to punch me every time she had an orgasm. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.
My G.F and I had a raging arguement about her going to a cosmetic clinic for breast reduction, I lost and it cost me a fortune,
But on the upside I have to admit she does look more normal with just two of them.
What is the difference between my girlfriend and a fully grown African bull elephant?
About 2 kilos.
My girlfriend got knocked down by a lorry yesterday, I asked the driver why he had hit her and he said " I didn't have enough diesel to go round her.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs.
The Welsh farmer's wife gave him a plate of grass for his dinner.
"What the hell is this?" he screamed.
"Well," replied his wife, "If it's good enough for your girlfriend, then it's good enough for you!"
In other news, Welsh scientists have found two new uses for sheep.
Meat and wool.
Felly mae'n ddrwg os rhoddir unrhyw drosedd
DD 
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The mother-in-law had an appointment with a specialist for a face lift but they rang up telling her she had to wait a bit longer. Apparently, the crane had broken down.
DD 
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When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ', the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store. and buys all the necessaries.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it in a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, 3rd beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the salads.
6) The woman comes outside to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there is just no pleasing some women!
DD 
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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?"
He said, "Baptist church of god!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?"
He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!"
I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
DD
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I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
DD
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A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
DD
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My G/F thought it would be funny to hide the toilet roll when I was taking a shit.
She wasn't laughing when She brushed her teeth the next morning.
DD 
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So, a drunk stands up at the end of a bar and yells
"All lawyers are assholes"
Another guy at the other end shouts
"Yo, that's not fair, I resent that remark"
The drunk says
"Oh, so you're a xxxx lawyer, huh?"
Second guy responds
"No, I'm an asshole."
DD
Ubique.
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