[Dingle-Dingle]

I went to see a psychic yesterday.

She said "What`s your name"?

I said "I want my money back".

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I sat next to an insurance salesman at a Robbie Williams concert last night.

And through it all he offered me protection.

DD

[silverbaggie]

I was walking under a subway today when I saw a young teenage kid..
He had a real Mohawk hairstyle which he'd dyed yellow, green, and red.

He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice said, "What the f*ck are you looking at?"

I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

[Dingle-Dingle]

A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

DD

[silverbaggie]

A guy was driving in a car with his blonde girlfriend.

As other drivers kept flashing him every time he turned left or right, he asked her to stick her head out the window and look to see if the indicator was working.

She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

[Dingle-Dingle]

I was ice skating today, just minding my own buisness whe I noticed some big fat bird kept giving me the eye.

Eventually she came over, "Hi there, I`m a bit shy. I`m not very good at breaking the ice" she laughed.

"Have you tried jumping"? I asked.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The local bondage club was robbed last night. We were all bound and gagged.

We loved it.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I was really upset when my Satnav got stolen.

I didn`t know where to turn.

DD

[silverbaggie]

Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

[Dingle-Dingle]

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna,
he unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"50 pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"1 pound" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandanna, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor,
this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
"We'll have a new one."

DD