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I was walking past a mental institution when I heard lots of people on the other side of the fence shouting excitedly "49 49 49 49 49"
As the fence was so high I couldn't actually see what was going on so I looked through a small hole in the fence. I was then poked I the eye and then heard "50 50 50 50" 
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BLACK COUNTRY BY BIRTH, ALBION BY THE GRACE OF GOD AND MY OLD MAN
You go in the cage? cage goes in the water, sharks in the water....Our Shark 
Ultrinque Paratus
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A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.
When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to give a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.
The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?"
His mate said smiling,
'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!."
The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick." 
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Some days I'm top dog, most days I'm just the lamp post.
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The G/F was getting all lovey dovey last night and dreamily said to me "What colour are my eyes"......?
I answered 38 DD . Guess whos in the doghouse.
DD 
Ubique.
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Does anyone know how long you cook those boil in the bag fish you get given at the funfair.??
DD
Ubique.
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Teacher: "Kids, what does a chicken give you?"
Mary said,: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does a pig give you?"
Billy said: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And finally what does the fat cow give you?"
Little Jimmy said: "Homework!"
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Some days I'm top dog, most days I'm just the lamp post.
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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”
The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One...”
DD
Ubique.
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The G/F and I have both made those lists of 5 people that we're allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity. She's picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Renner, Kiefer Sutherland and Paul Hollywood.
I've gone for her sister, her cousin, her best mate, our next door neighbour and the fit bird from the Co-op.
DD
Ubique.
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I was shopping at ASDA´s last week when all my nightmares came true. There was a power cut and i got stranded on the esculator for 3 hours!
DD
Ubique.
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05-05-2017, 01:33
(This post was last modified: 05-05-2017, 01:34 by Dingle-Dingle.)
A bit of advice........... Click the pic.
DD
Ubique.
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Labour is expected to gain more than eighty million seats after Diane Abbott was asked to count the votes this morning.
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