[Dingle-Dingle]

Today I donated my watch, phone and £500 to a poor guy.
You don't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I was in Asda today with 2 trolleys of booze and my weekly shop, when a little old lady got behind me in the queue.
She only had a pint of milk so I said "Is that all you`ve got love"?
She replied "Yes".
So I did the decent thing and said. "If I was you I`d go to another till. I`m going to be ages"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Just found the G/F dead in the washing machine.....

I`m gutted, but at least she died in Comfort.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

When my G/F left I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I`ve got a dog, bought a new motorbike, been with two different women and blown a grand on drink and gambling.
She`ll go mental when she gets home from work.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache , so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her knickers and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen a man!'
"Tunderin' lord Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

In the chippy last night and the girl behind the counter says "You want anything on your chips"?
I said "Does it cost"?
She said "Yes 10p"
I replied "Great, I`ll have 4 sausages and a steak pie"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

For a while Houdini used a trapdoor in his act

It was a stage he was going through.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I told my son "You will marry the girl I choose"
He said "No!"
I said "she is Bill Gates daughter"
He said "OK"
I called Bill Gates and said "I want your daughter to marry my son"
Bill Gates said "No!"
I told Bill Gates that my son is CEO of the World Bank
Bill Gates said "OK"
I called the President of the World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said "NO"
I told him "My son is Bill Gates son-in-law"
He said "OK"
And this is how politics works . . .

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The G/F was grumbling earlier and said "You once told me you would spend your whole life trying to make me happy"!

I replied "I did`nt think I would live this long"!!.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A naughty one.
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What`s the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
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A drug dealer can`t wash his crack and sell it again.

DD