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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 15-01-2016
Rihanna, Usher, and Justin Bieber were walking over a bridge.
Rihanna trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-string and had his way with her !
He stands back and tells Justin "Your turn!"
Justin bursts out into tears.
"What's wrong? asks Usher.
Justin sobs, "My head won't fit into the railings !
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 15-01-2016
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts.
He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked!
She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus--"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock.".
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 15-01-2016
In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm [Brut],
people from Wolverhampton England have proved to be the most likely
to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, 86% of Wolverhampton inner city residents said that they have
enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 15-01-2016
"I experienced a Freudian slip yesterday".
"I was sitting at breakfast when I turned to the G/F and said 'You are a bitter and twisted old trout and you have ruined my life' when what I meant to say was 'pass the salt, dear' ".
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 15-01-2016
Wedding..........
Just a fancy name for a drinking buddy`s funeral.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 15-01-2016
A couple purchased a talking parrot on their honeymoon, much to the groom's annoyance, since the bird did a running commentary on their lovemaking.
The groom finally threw a towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if it didn't quit.
The next morning, packing to return home, the newlyweds couldn't close a large suitcase.
"Honey," the groom said, "you get on top and I'll try."
That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success. Then the man said, "Let's both get on top and try."
At that point, the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I've got to see!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 16-01-2016
The waitress was tired of this one man always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.
"I'll tell you what, Lover. I'll have sex with you on two conditions.
First, it'll cost you £50. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."
He smiled, handed her £50 and led her over to the pinball machine.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 16-01-2016
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.
The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
So she leaves and a few moments later the lady comes back wearing a brassiere tied to her head. And it is abundantly obvious from the bouncing and giggling where the brassiere came from.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a brassiere."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see.... And your left one isn't bad either, but you still cannot enter the church like that!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 16-01-2016
The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?” Being I'm a nice person…I guess the pharmacist just went along with me, and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing. When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 17-01-2016
A politician, a reporter and a Soldier were captured by Daesh and told they were to be beheaded. All 3 were offered a last request before the deed was done. The politician asked that he could hear "the international" one last time. A recording of the communist anthem was duly found and played out to the teary-eyed leftie. The reporter requested that he be allowed to address the camera used to record the executions so that he got his face on TV even after he died. The terrorists agreed to this. The Soldier simply asked that each of the terrorists present gave him a kick up the arse before he was beheaded. Bemused, they did as he asked. As the last extremist boot went in, the Soldier pitched forward, rolled, whipped out the browning 9mm he had concealed in his trousers and started shooting till he ran out of ammo. Grabbing an AK47 from the dead terrorist, he calmly finished off his would-be executioners before pulling out a Cuban cigar and lighting it from his hot gun barrel. The amazed reporter and politician thanked the Soldier profusely but were puzzled as to why he had asked for the arse-kicking before he performed his heroics.
"Well", says the Soldier, "when we get back to the UK, I can't have you two stringing me up for an unprovoked attack".
DD
