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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 10-01-2016
I bumped into my mate in the pub last night who was looking a bit glum, so I asked him what was up.
"Well, I can't afford anything anymore so I've had to cancel my golf and gym memberships, my Satellite TV package and have to cut down on fags to 20 a week" he sighed.
"Because of the recession?" I asked.
"No" he replied. "I've been forced off benefits and been made to get a frickin' job.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 11-01-2016
DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED:
Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.
Rum and ice will ruin your liver.
Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.
Gin and ice will ruin your brain.
Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth...
There u have it! ICE is lethal. Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice, just drink it straight!!
Forward this immediately. You could save a life!!!
And don't forget what it did to the Titanic!!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 12-01-2016
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, wrote the word "PERIOD" on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that" she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"D-mned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one.
Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and Uncle Bob shit himself.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 13-01-2016
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - BaggieMan - 13-01-2016
Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the aircraft carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career, he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day, the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy-type, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview, the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you're missing your starboard ear, and I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact, and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well, yes, Sir. You seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out, as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed, and thought to himself, 'What an incredibly tactful Marine'. "And how would you know that?", the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, Sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f***ing ear!"
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-01-2016
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe..
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-01-2016
Solicitors are searching for a soldier by the name "Jones" who served at Rorkes Drift.
It is believed the relatives of a Zulu are claiming someone in the second rank fired and there was no immediate danger, as the front rank were dealing with it !!!!
A claim for compo has been made !
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-01-2016
Last week was my 60th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there… On the couch… Naked.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-01-2016
A husband walks out from the bathroom in the morning bursting with pride with the size of the dump he has just had.
"Go and have a look of the size of that turd I have just done" he says to his wife.
"No way, I don't want to look at that, it's stinks in there"
"Please just go in and have a quick look, it's a good two pounder" he says.
After several minutes of pleading with his wife she agrees to have a look.
She dashes in pinching her nose for the smell & runs back out saying "there's nothing there, you must have flushed it away"
"No, no" he says "it's on the frickin’ scales."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 15-01-2016
A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.
“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.
“$300″ – he replied.
“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irritated when the blonde persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, “There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!” – he yelled.
“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”
DD