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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-12-2015
The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday - his funfair is next monkey.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-12-2015
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 20 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well" he says "I'm in the pub next door to that"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-12-2015
2 Jehova´s witness´s rang at my door the other day. I opened it and said, "Oh, merry xmas, do come in, would you like a drink? Tea or coffee or maybe something a bit stronger? Would you like some biscuits or a sandwich? Well do take a seat, now, what was it you wanted, don`t be shy."
They looked at each other, then at me and one stammered, "Err, umm, we don´t really know, we´ve never got this far before!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-12-2015
I spent a fortune on a flight to Las Vegas for Chrismas but when i got to the airport they told me, "I´m very sorry sir, but you´ll have to pay for excess baggage."
I said, "Sod it, I´ll just leave the G/F at home then!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-12-2015
You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is tapping,
Your phone.
He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone
He hears you in the bedroom
Surveills you out of doors
And if that doesn't get the goods
Then he'll use provocateurs.
So you mustn't assume
That you are secure
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone
DD Last one for this year................. Or is it.?? DD
OK you twisted my arm.............
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on J K, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whizz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No cricket, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-12-2015
A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "
That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-12-2015
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy tying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the doorbell is just out of his reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-12-2015
This is not a joke.
DD is fed up with the negativity, downright nastiness and constant sniping on this forum. DD is going to take a sabbatical. DD may return at some point in the future. If not DD wishes you everything you have wished for. Bon soir Peeps. DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - BaggieMan - 27-12-2015
(27-12-2015, 01:43)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: This is not a joke.
DD is fed up with the negativity, downright nastiness and constant sniping on this forum. DD is going to take a sabbatical. DD may return at some point in the future. If not DD wishes you everything you have wished for. Bon soir Peeps. DD
DD, I do see where you are coming from as I myself have been the subject of ridicule, nastiness and sniping because I was anti-Pulis from Day One and have many times voiced my opinion that has often been derided as stupid but, people are entitled to have an opinion that may differ from mine and I accept that.
As for negativity currently, we are as a club, extremely negative and it is so frustrating. Sadly, until this excuse of a Head Coach is thrown out we will remain an embarrassment to football. It is identical to what happened at Stoke - a hugely divided fan base that tore the heart and soul out of a once proud club and set supporter on supporter. This will not cease until Pulis and the vile virus of Pulis is expunged from the very core of our beloved club. Stoke City, a similar sized club with similar aspirations took the medicine and now are streets ahead of us.
Although you will find this negative DD, being just three points off the relegation places, it would surprise me not one jot if we were in the bottom three after the next few games and the anniversary of the Pulis appointment. Progress? you're having a laugh!
DD, We need your humour and wise, balanced council - please don't leave.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - silverbaggie - 27-12-2015
(27-12-2015, 01:43)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: This is not a joke.
DD is fed up with the negativity, downright nastiness and constant sniping on this forum. DD is going to take a sabbatical. DD may return at some point in the future. If not DD wishes you everything you have wished for. Bon soir Peeps. DD
With you there DD think that I may well join you.
