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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-12-2015
Police Notice.
Is your local drug dealer charging you an extra 5p for a bag.
Let us know and we will have a word.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-12-2015
My new girfriend`s car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I phoned them up and said......
"Sorry Mum I`m boing to be late. My new Girlfriends got a puncture".
"Oh Son" she sighed.. "I thought you had a real one this time".
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 03-12-2015
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Beefy, what are you doing?"
Beefy replied, "Driving to Bournemouth!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Beefy's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Beefy, how are you doing?"
Beefy says, "I just got into Bournemouth."
"Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Beefy's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself.
Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"
Bob says, "I'm screwing Beefy's wife while he's in Bournemouth!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 03-12-2015
I started a band called 999 Megabytes last week. We still haven`t got a Gig yet. DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 04-12-2015
A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The doctor examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?"
"Breast fed," replied the woman.
"Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts. He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on each nipple.
Finally he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition. You don't have any milk!"
"That's right," said the woman. "This is my sister's kid."
"What?!" said the startled doctor. "I had no idea. You shouldn't have come."
"Well, I didn't until you started sucking my nipples!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 04-12-2015
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".
One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 04-12-2015
At my age Iv`e..........
Seen it all.
Done it all.
Heard it all.
I just can`t remember it all.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 04-12-2015
On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked :
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Latvian men and 1 Latvian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Latvian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Latvian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about:
her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-12-2015
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit another cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-12-2015
I like taking my Tortoise out for a walk........ It gets me out of the house for a couple of days. DD