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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-11-2015
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled,
"Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-11-2015
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
Particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on bike parts instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't had a bike in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied,
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and bikes."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-11-2015
I am going to hang a Batman outfit in my wardrobe just to mess with myself, in case I ever get Alzheimer`s.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-11-2015
A man went to get the results of his illness from the doctor..
"I'm afraid you have Yellow 42 - a disease so rare it doesn't even have a proper name.
Bad news is.. you only have six months to live..."
The man goes home and tells his wife.
After the crying, she vows to spend more time together for the final few months together - starting tonight at the bingo hall.
So they both go down to Gala Bingo Hall. In the entrance way he puts a pound in the slot machine.. and wins £200.
He plays bingo and wins every line, corner and full house.
He then plays the national link and wins £20000.
Upon receiving the money the MC says "you must be the luckiest man alive.
You win £200, all the bingo money and £20k national."
The man says "I have Yellow 42"
"F*ck me" says the MC, "you've won the f*ckin raffle as well"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-11-2015
A man was wandering around a carnival and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent.
Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
“Ah...” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”
“That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children.”
The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-11-2015
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off
He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it f*ckin Wrong.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-11-2015
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of £1,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he
would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing £1million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money
is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the
money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know
what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head
and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell
him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown suitcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin
Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to
pull the trigger!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-12-2015
A woman was in bed with her young lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry, she said, stand in the corner.”
She rubbed Baby Oil all over him, and then totally dusted him all over with Talcum Powder.
“Right, don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Just pretend you’re a Statue. ’
“What’s this..?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two f*cking days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-12-2015
POLICE WARNING:
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called ...Beer. The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewed enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this beer and the women administering it..... There are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-12-2015
My G/F keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants for Christmas.......
"It begins with D and ends in O.. and fits snugly in there" she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
Where the F"£$ am I going to find a Didgeridoo??
DD
