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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-11-2015
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores.
Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-11-2015
A turkey is chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-11-2015
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - talkSAFT - 26-11-2015
THE TEXT
Hi Bob,
This is Tom next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make.
I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face,
but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.
The temptation was just too much.... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again.
Regards,
Tom
THE CONSEQUENCES
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, and without a word, slapped his wife twice,
stunning her instantly.
He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message.
THE REPLY
Hi Bob,
This is Tom next door again. Sorry about the slight "typo" on my last text, I expect you worked
it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ to ‘Wife’.
Technology hey? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards,
Tom.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-11-2015
A couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked his wife.
“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-11-2015
I phoned my G/F earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"
I was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
DD
Should we bomb Syria? - RainbowTurnedEastStand - 27-11-2015
I personally think we should keep our big noses out and instead concentrate on sorting our own country`s problems like
stopping the nutters preaching hatred on our streets and banning schools from teaching any kind of Judaism.
Wont be long before the French and Americans pull out of this phony war and leave us mugs fighting a pointless battle like
they did in Afghanistan.
RE: Should we bomb Syria? - devwakey - 27-11-2015
(27-11-2015, 14:06)RainbowTurnedEastStand Wrote: I personally think we should keep our big noses out and instead concentrate on sorting our own country`s problems like
stopping the nutters preaching hatred on our streets and banning schools from teaching any kind of Judaism.
Wont be long before the French and Americans pull out of this phony war and leave us mugs fighting a pointless battle like
they did in Afghanistan.
Put it this way, people say don't bomb them as that will make us targets.
We are already targets, if they want to perform a terrorist act, they wont say, naa leave Britain alone, they didn't bomb us.
They want to conquer the world and kill anyone who does not follow their beliefs.
At the moment the war is one sided, whether we do or don't, we are just as likely to have an attack on us.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-11-2015
As a true Gentleman I hold the door open for my G/F.
Then I smack her backside as she walks through.
DD
RE: Should we bomb Syria? - talkSAFT - 27-11-2015
"They want to conquer the world and kill anyone who does not follow their beliefs."
True enough, Dev, but I don't think they can remember what their "beliefs" are any more. I could understand their hatred of Western life, but most of the terrorists are apparently high on heroin and booze and treat all women like unpaid whores.
These are people who have sampled life in the West, and just want a life of debauchery, funded by robbing Banks, and hand-outs from Saudi.