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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 22-11-2015
"Of course I won`t laugh" said the Nurse, "I`m a professional, In over 20 years I`ve never laughed at a patient."
"OK!" said Beefy, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,revealing the smallest male "Part" the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to an AAA Battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to control a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at Beefy`s "Part", she composed herself as best she could.
"I am so sorry," she said "I dont know what came over me".
"On my honour as a Nurse and a Lady, I promise that won`t happen again. Now tell me what seems to be the problem?"
"It`s SWOLLEN" Beefy replied.
The Nurse ran from the room.................. DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 22-11-2015
A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I’m not saying that you “did” take the sugar bowl from my house; I’m not saying that you “did not” take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Tina, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now…Love, Mama
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-11-2015
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a Paper shop to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into Tesco and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.
The girl responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says. ....
....
''I was in the queue behind you in Tescos''
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-11-2015
I saw my midget neighbour at the bus stop so I said "Hop in I`ll give you a lift".
He said "F"£$ off".
What an ungrateful B"£$%^&
So I zipped up my backpack and kept walking.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-11-2015
Saw my mate sat at the bar looking really miserable. "What's up Dave?" I asked
"My budgie is dying" he answered,
"Oh dear, what's wrong with it then?"
"It's got this big growth on its head"
"Oh, is that all?" I replied, that's just bone, you can take a metal file and gently file it away, he'll be fine"
"Really?" Dave asked "Thats great news! Let me buy you drink"
Next day, there's Dave even more unhappy looking than before.
"What's up mate" I ask
"My budgie died last night" he replied
"xxxx! Don't tell me you actually tried to file a lump of his head with a metal file!"
"No" he answered "Didn't get that far, poor little xxxx died in the vice."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-11-2015
You can`t cure crazy..............
You just have to beat it with a stick sometimes.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-11-2015
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office.
When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth-control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep better?”
The woman said, “Simple, I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-11-2015
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him £20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him £40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the postman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The postman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug.”
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-11-2015
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see."
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-11-2015
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
DD