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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - talkSAFT - 16-11-2015
WORTH PONDERING
~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket
was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes
that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier.
I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked
~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Warren Tantum... (School photo album).
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
. ~ Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 17-11-2015
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"
The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something.
He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!"
She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-11-2015
It was my G/F`s birthday today so I decided to wake her up with oral sex.
It`s a good thing she sleeps with her mouth open..............
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-11-2015
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I confess - I’m a rabbit!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 19-11-2015
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!!
I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ?
Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your email”
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 19-11-2015
Newtons third law of Emotion........
For every Male action.......
There is a Female over-reaction.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 19-11-2015
WARNING!!! IF YOU GET AN EMAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON", DON'T OPEN IT. IT CONTAINS A NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - silverbaggie - 19-11-2015
(19-11-2015, 21:35)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: WARNING!!! IF YOU GET AN EMAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON", DON'T OPEN IT. IT CONTAINS A NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON!
DD
Yuk!!!!
The same goes for Nicola Sturgeon (Double Yuk)
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 20-11-2015
I was explaining to my G/F last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 21-11-2015
Live today like it`s your last day.
But pay your bills and wear a condom....... Just in case it isn`t.
DD