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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-11-2015
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens in an ASDA store........ But she couldn`t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant " Do these chickens get any bigger"?
The assistant replied... "I`m afraid not. They`re dead".
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 06-11-2015
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 06-11-2015
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 06-11-2015
Naughty Naughty.
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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - talkSAFT - 06-11-2015
The morality of dishonesty.
Robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you”.
Immediately all the people in the bank lay on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.
One woman lay on the floor in a provocative manner.
The robber approached her saying, “Madam, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.
While running from the bank the youngest robber, who had a college degree, said to the oldest robber, who had barely finished elementary school: "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole.”? The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.
After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen”. "Wait, said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the £800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.
The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of £3 million. The robbers then counted the money, but they found only £1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for £1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million pounds without blinking? Maybe it’s better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.
Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - silverbaggie - 06-11-2015
(06-11-2015, 13:16)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
DD
That long and that often huh???
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 07-11-2015
A wealthy Black Country husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Beefy?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband.
“Ours is prettier," she replies.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 07-11-2015
I`ve saved my girlfriend's phone number on my mobile as 'Low Battery',and set her ring tone to beep. Whenever she calls , in my absence, the wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 08-11-2015
To anyone who is nugget enough to foreward those E-mails or posts.....
Many thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat manure in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
I now scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
In fact all my money is gone but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .....
Or, I'll receive it from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split £7 mil-lion with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died in-testate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
And I don’t go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a per-fume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 09-11-2015
Beefy and his wife were on the way to ASDA and passed an advertising board showing a Beauty holding a can of beer.
Mrs Beef glanced up at it and said " Do you think if I drank a six pack of that I would look like her"?
Beefy replied....... "No..... But if I drank a six pack of that you just might"
DD