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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-10-2015
Ya had 24 hours Garry.
Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
24 rep garry ya ghaj.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-10-2015
Sitting in the pub tonight having a couple of drinks with my mate. I casually pointed to 2 old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said... "That`s us in 10 years time".
He said .... "That`s a mirror Dipstick" !!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-10-2015
My G/F wanted to go see Jeremy Kyle. So I got her sister pregnant.
We are on next week.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-10-2015
I applied for a job at Hooters. They didn`t give me an application form. They gave me a Bra and said "Here. Fill this out." DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Bournemouth Baggie - 27-10-2015
Garth Crooks - why?
RE: The Off Topic Thread - talkSAFT - 28-10-2015
(27-10-2015, 19:52)Bournemouth Baggie Wrote: Garth Crooks - why?
Tokenism gone mad. Trouble is we Licence-holders are paying his wages. Everyone you speak to agrees he's crap.
I'm surprised there's not one openly gay pundit....not one! Let's get some of these dancing judges on MotD - they would know about as much as Crooks.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Salopbaggie - 28-10-2015
(23-10-2015, 20:20)The Quantum Enigma Wrote: hope DD don`t mind me gatecrashing his own private thread
(some of the stuff you post is hilarious by the way DD keep it up)
The New Iron Maiden Album(If anyone listens to them) Effing awesome
shame no bloody UK tour
back to you DD
Maiden are headlining Download on the Sunday night if that helps Quantum, but quite right no UK tour.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-10-2015
One day, Beefy is speaking to his friend Bob and says to him "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor, but its expensive."
Bob replies "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, there's a diagnostic computer down at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong. It even tells you what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs 50p.
So Beefy puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits 50p and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer gives a printout: ....You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom Salts ( Aisle 8), avoid heavy activity and It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Tesco.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Beefy begins wondering if the computer can be fooled. He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, a urine sample from his wife, and a sperm sample for good measure. He hurries back to Tesco, eager to check the results.
He deposits 50p, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9).
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle 7).
3. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. See legal advice at the back of the store...
4. ... and if you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get any better.
Thank You for shopping at Tesco.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-10-2015
Polar Bear cub in London Zoo asked his father "am I a Polar Bear?"
Yes son you are a polar bear
"Are you sure dad could I possibly be a Grizzly bear?"
No son you are definately a Polar Bear why do you ask?
"Because Im Bloody freezing"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-10-2015
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
DD