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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 03-10-2015
Words of advice from my Old Man........
Don`t play with a girls heart, She only has one.
Always try to play with her tits..... she has 2 of them.
Iv`e added to that.......
But for God`s sake don`t play with her mouth!
She`s only got one .............. But it`s DEADLY.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 04-10-2015
Beef`s wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her fella.
Suddenly Beefy burst into the kitchen. "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
Mrs Beef stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
Beefy calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!!!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 04-10-2015
England out of the rugby world cup.
Kit sponsors VW are said to be fuming.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - silverbaggie - 04-10-2015
(04-10-2015, 12:27)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: England out of the rugby world cup.
Kit sponsors VW are said to be fuming.
DD
We are all exhausted DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-10-2015
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. "
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-10-2015
My G/F and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter to the bus stop for school every morning.
Today was my turn, and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited one of them asked me to say hello to my G/F.
"I will," I said. "it'll make her feel better. She has pneumonia..."
"Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison.
One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said, "I hope you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning."
"I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger. "Broken nail."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-10-2015
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - talkSAFT - 05-10-2015
Your phone bill must be horrendous after today's calls, DD.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 06-10-2015
So........... You DON`T Buy any car then.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 07-10-2015
It is my belief that teenage pregnancies would be greatly reduced if bars and clubs had better lighting. DD