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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-10-2015
A father walks into a book store with his son. The boy is holding a £1 coin. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the £1 and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the £1, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce lawyer."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-10-2015
A man went to a doctor. "I have three balls", he said, "and I don't like that very much."
As he sounded very depressed, the doctor decided to cheer him up. "Three balls is wonderful", he said, "women go wild on men with three balls."
"Are you sure?" the man asked.
"Absolutely sure," the doctor said.
The man left and went home by bus. Considering his doctor's words he feels better and better. He even can't keep his joy to himself. So he says to this man next to him: "You know, together we have five balls!"
The big man looks at him and says: "Really? You've only got one?"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-10-2015
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-10-2015
A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Beefy, for the 5th F**king time, CHICKEN!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-10-2015
So you cant smoke if you have kids in the car.....
Apparently it doesn't count if they are in the boot.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-10-2015
A rabbi ends up seated next to the pope on a long plane ride back to Rome.
After a while, the Pope leans over and says "Rabbi, something about your religion has always puzzled me -- those dietary restrictions. Tell the truth, have you ever eaten pork?"
The rabbi, somewhat sheepishly says "Well, yes in truth, I have."
Later, the rabbi turns to the Pope and says "Tell me, Your Holiness -- I've also been somewhat confused about some aspects of Catholicism. Have you ever had sex?"
The Pope, also sheepishly says, "Well, yes in fact, I have."
The rabbi, conspiratorially says "It's better than pork, isn't it?"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-10-2015
Beefy walked into the ladies department of a Debenham's, one of the largest department store chains.
He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
"What type of bra?" asked the saleswoman.
"Type?" inquires Beefy "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the saleswoman.
Confused, Beefy asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused Beefy asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-10-2015
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-10-2015
My G/F just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive........
Apparently, "Don`t worry Babe, your tits cover it" wasn`t the answer she was looking for.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-10-2015
As its breast cancer awareness month, I am offering free of charge to check any girls breast for her, ring 01215075836 for an appt.
DD
