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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 08-09-2015
A Waiter approached our table and asked us if we had enjoyed our meal.
"It was absolutely delicious. I ate every last bit" Said the G/F
"And Sir", Said the Waiter, "How did you find the pork belly"?
"Oh, about six years ago, We met on holiday".
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 08-09-2015
The economy is so bad that wives are having sex with their husbands again because they can`t afford the cost of batteries. DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 09-09-2015
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 09-09-2015
A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagonload of corn.
A farmer, who lived nearby, heard the noise and yelled to the boy,
"Hey, Willis, forget your troubles and come in for a visit. I'll help you pick the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but Pa wouldn't like me to."
"Aw, come on, boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well, OK" the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile; "by the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon," replied the boy.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 10-09-2015
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat up the rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "I'm fed up with him, making me run round the forest like an idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 11-09-2015
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 11-09-2015
Paddy from the Falls Road goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour?"
"£100," she replies.
So he asks, "Okay do you do West Belfast style?"
She says "No!"
He then asks her, "I'll pay you £200 to do it West Belfast style?"
She again says no, not knowing what West Belfast style was! So he then offers her £300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give you £500 to go West Belfast style with me!"
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could West Belfast style be?"
So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'West Belfast style' come in?"
Paddy replies . . . "I'll pay you next week"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 11-09-2015
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Connie....Connie. "
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex
twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again.
Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Joe you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Scotland."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 11-09-2015
20 Years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no CASH, no HOPE and no JOBS.
PLEASE PLEASE Don`t let Kevin BACON die.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - talkSAFT - 11-09-2015
(11-09-2015, 15:23)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: 20 Years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no CASH, no HOPE and no JOBS.
PLEASE PLEASE Don`t let Kevin BACON die.
DD
Viva Jeremy PEACE