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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-08-2015
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk.
So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door:
"Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 31-08-2015
Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch discussing their first pregnancies and the possible genders of their new babies, when one of them says, “I know that I’m going to have a boy.”
The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, “OK, how do you know you’re going to have a boy?”“Well, when the child was conceived,” says the first women, “I was on top. So I’m going to have a boy.”
They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, “Well, I’m going to have a girl.”“OK,” says the first one, “how do you know you’re going to have a girl?”“Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I’m going to have a girl.”
They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing.“What’s wrong?” the first two women ask with concern.
The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing….“I think I’m going to have a puppy!”
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 31-08-2015
Beefy pulls Mrs Beef into the bedroom and rips off all her clothes.
"Now do a handstand against the full length mirror" He says.
"Hmmmmm Kinky" thinks Mrs Beef. "I like it"!
She does a handstand and Beefy pulls her legs apart, And puts his chin on her crotch.
"The boys in the pub were right" Says Beefy, "A Goatee would suit me"!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 31-08-2015
A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby.
The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me."
"Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man.
"No way, you're disgusting, go away." The homeless man turns and starts walking away.
The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?"
The homeless man says: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-09-2015
I was laying on the Doctor`s examination table today when She asked.. "How is your Libido?"
"My what?" I replied.
"Libido", she said. "Do you feel like having sex?".
"OK" I replied.... "But we will have to be quick.... the G/F is waiting in the car"!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-09-2015
Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.
Alex was crying very loudly.
Johnny: Why are you crying? Alex: I came here for a blood test.
Johnny: So? Are you afraid?
Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now?
Johnny: I came for a urine test.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-09-2015
The fact that Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.
Take note Sulko.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 03-09-2015
On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes.
Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes.
Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony.
The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."
Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 03-09-2015
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard”, says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 03-09-2015
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no.”" the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head.
Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear."
"That’s what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let’s do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office.
"Well, how’s the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made."
"What’s wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren’t bags, those are your boobs, and if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!"
DD