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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 11-08-2015
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.
Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 12-08-2015
Beefy goes into a restaurant wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a tie to gain admission.
So Beefy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have one, although he does see a set of jumper cables in his boot.
In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 12-08-2015
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 12-08-2015
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She also tells them that there will be no excuse for failing to show up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass Beefy in the back of the room pipes up and asks the teacher out loud,
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class has all it can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to stifle its laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"You can write with your other hand then."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 13-08-2015
There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn't because of their wives objections.
So one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said.
"I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"
The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife anything!!!"
They both looked at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?"
She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 13-08-2015
Two Chinese men break into a distillery.
1st one turns to the other and says "Is this whisky?"
The other one says "Yes. But not as whisky as wobbing a bank".
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 13-08-2015
One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies, “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-08-2015
My Ex texted me this evening. "I really miss you Baby"
I replied " We are sorry but the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn`t give a monkey`s"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-08-2015
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight..You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said,'I'm his Grandma,but I'm glad I came'
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-08-2015
Beefy went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.
At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.
Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times.
He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to
escape possible conflict.
Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock.
She didn't seem disturbed at all.
Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.
When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh xxxx',
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more
times and farted.
DD