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RE: The Off Topic Thread - derbybaggie - 29-09-2014
As an alternative to the Dingle Comedy Casebook, thought I would tell you about a charity trek I'm embarking on at the end of the week.
A group of us are trekking up Kilimanjaro for Footsteps International to help street kids in Kenya. All travel, accommodation and associated costs are being paid by us so all money raised goes direct to Footsteps. I will be posting pictures of our trip on a blog (address to follow) and including some of the Footsteps project when I am over there. A little money can really change children's lives out there and puts some of the stuff we get exercised about on here into perspective. I'm taking a couple of footballs and some of my kids old Albion tops to see if I can generate some Kenyan Baggie Fans for the future.
If you can spare some cash it would be great, if you can't in the current financial position many find themselves in these days don't worry, I won't love you all any the less.
DB
https://www.justgiving.com/David-Bentley2
RE: The Off Topic Thread - derbybaggie - 29-09-2014
(29-09-2014, 17:35)derbybaggie Wrote: As an alternative to the Dingle Comedy Casebook, thought I would tell you about a charity trek I'm embarking on at the end of the week.
A group of us are trekking up Kilimanjaro for Footsteps International to help street kids in Kenya. All travel, accommodation and associated costs are being paid by us so all money raised goes direct to Footsteps. I will be posting pictures of our trip on a blog (address to follow) and including some of the Footsteps project when I am over there. A little money can really change children's lives out there and puts some of the stuff we get exercised about on here into perspective. I'm taking a couple of footballs and some of my kids old Albion tops to see if I can generate some Kenyan Baggie Fans for the future.
If you can spare some cash it would be great, if you can't in the current financial position many find themselves in these days don't worry, I won't love you all any the less.
DB
https://www.justgiving.com/David-Bentley2
Link to Blog is http://footstepsupkili.travellerspoint.com
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-09-2014
Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
Also.....
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this.
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - santasabaggie - 30-09-2014
(03-09-2014, 23:14)Stairs Wrote:(03-09-2014, 23:03)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't got out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'll go out but says she doesn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."Welcome
Well, they hit it off immediately and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the countryside.
Their first night away, she undresses as he does. There she stands, nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her, he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore but, down there, I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit... except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "Why are you wearing a black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-09-2014
If you're feeling down, park in a disabled space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there's nothing wrong with you! DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-10-2014
I was in bed with my new blonde girlfriend when she said " You've got the biggest cock I have ever had in my hands".
I said " Your pulling my leg".
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - pieandabovril - 02-10-2014
Whats green and smells like yellow paint? Green paint!
RE: The Off Topic Thread - silverbaggie - 02-10-2014
A few one liners:-
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and taint mine'.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from Algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said; 'Keep off the Grass'.
Finally:-
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams
" I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward and mutters:
"Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-10-2014
According to recent research,more money is now spent on Boob jobs,and Viagra than on seeking a cure for Alzheimers.
This means that by the year 2037,the elderly will all have nice perky titties,and stiff cocks,but absolutely no idea why.?? DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-10-2014
The Government has announced from the 1st October 2014 motorists are no longer required to display a tax disc in their vehicles.
A spokesman for motorists groups in Liverpool said : "This is nothing new, we started the trend in 1956"
DD