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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 11-06-2015
I saw a white van today with a bumper sticker saying......
"I am a Veterinarian, Therefore I can drive like an animal".
That`s when I realised just how many Gynecologist`s there are on the road.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 11-06-2015
So after landing my new job as a Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda .”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 11-06-2015
I can`t think of anything worse after a night`s drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name.
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Or how you met.
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Or why they`re dead.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 12-06-2015
One day a travelling salesman was driving around rural Wales and decided to stay the night in a farmhouse. After enjoying a fine meal with the farmer, the salesman turned to him and said, "What is it like for hiring a companion for the evening?"
"Well," replied the farmer, "I'm afraid there are not many women around these parts. But there's always Arthur........."
"Oh?" said the salesman, intrigued, "How much does he charge then?"
"It will cost you £100." replied the farmer.
The salesman thought for a minute then said, "That's a bit expensive!"
"Well," said the farmer, "the local magistrate takes out £40 because he doesn't approve of those kind of things."
"Oh," answered the man, "so that's £40 for the magistrate and £60 for Arthur."
The farmer shook his head, "No, the local constable also takes £40 because he doesn't approve of those kind of things!"
"Jesus," replied the salesman, "So the magistrate gets £40, the cop gets £40 that only leaves £20 for Arthur! Thats no way to make a living!"
The farmer shook his head again and said, "No - We pay Gareth and Dai £10 each to hold Arthur down, because he doesn't approve of that sort of thing either!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 12-06-2015
Genuine German joke.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soy-bean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flies". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - talkSAFT - 12-06-2015
Have we got a 'smilie' that suggests "This bloke is f*cking bonkers"?
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 12-06-2015
Words explained.
1. Lavitation.
The art of hovering over a public toilet to avoid contact with the said seat whilst taking a dump.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 12-06-2015
Witnessed totally disgusting behaviour on the beach at Skegness today.
A man and woman arguing in front of a loads of kids. Then she smacked him one on the head and it all kicked off between them.
The police turned up and a copper ended up using his baton on the bloke, but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it.
Then a crocodile turned up and ate all the sausages............
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 13-06-2015
GERMAN JOKES - THEY'RE A BIT LIKE MARMITE.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
"Would you like an ice pack?"
Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.
A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.
How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
Otto and Beata give birth to a young child.
This is impossible, because a baby cannot be born as a young child, therefore the previous sentence is rendered void and should be corrected. I apologise on behalf of myself, and myself only, for this major yet forgiveable mistake.
Where did Hitler keep his armies?
The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What's the deal with airline peanuts?
The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn't want a "Peanut Fee" attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining about, anyway? It's free food, and it's a nice snack. If you're really that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you see. People these days are really selfish.
How do you make a Swiss roll?
Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either jam or cream. The resulting flat sheet of cake and cream is then rolled into a cylinder. It's quite delicious, actually.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag.
One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and the other's a thin plastic sheet formed into a shape most fitting to carrying large amounts of shopping so that its easier to carry.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough mice to lend their strength to such an endeavor, the chances of them having the intelligence and wherewithal to perform such a complex activity is really quite low.
What's the difference between a duck?
I'm sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say "What's the difference between a duck and a goose?" and the answer is that they are entirely different species of waterfowl.
What do you call 5 Mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewellery she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.
Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?
The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortably swim in.
There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sail-boat. I haven't seen him in years.
A man walks into a bar.
He orders a couple of drinks, pays for them, and then proceeds to leave the premises, as his wife had told him that he must not be too late home.
A horse walks into a bar.
The barman immediately calls the local stable to report the missing stallion, and his owner promptly arrives to take him home. He thanks the landlord and offers a small reward, but it is respectfully declined.
PATIENT: Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!
DOCTOR: I shall prescribe you some anti-depressant tablets, probably 20 milligrams to start with, and I shall book you an appointment with a psychiatrist. You will not be charged for his or her services, but you may have to wait up to seven weeks for your first meeting. I shall give you two prescriptions just in case, so that you don't run the risk of running out of medication and thus relapsing. You will have to return in two months as your counsellor is unable to provide you with drugs. Have a nice day.
PATIENT: Thank you, doctor. My mother will be pleased and relieved that I have finally sought your advice after many years of this inner personal anguish and turmoil.
DOCTOR: You're very welcome. Could you please send my next patient in? He should have a large beard, unless he recently has shaved it, which I consider unlikely.
PATIENT: Certainly, doctor. And thank you again.
What's the difference between Smarties and sleeping pills?
Smarties are a popular chocolate-based confectionery product from England, which were the inspiration for the arguably more successful M&M's produced by Mars. Sleeping pills are flavourless narcotics that are used primarily by people suffering from afflictions such as insomnia. Another difference between the two is the repercussions of ingestion. In a large dose, Smarties can have a minor contribution to obesity, whereas a large dose - often referred to as an 'overdose' - of sleeping pills runs the risk of much more dangerous consequences such as immediate and fatal liver damage. It is generally accepted that sleeping pills should only be used when recommended or prescribed by a qualified doctor or chemist, but Smarties can be purchased at the majority of reputable supermarkets or corner shops.
How many Germans does it take to change a light-bulb?
Only one. It is a simple light-bulb, not an advanced 'home computer'.
DD Be afraid........ Be very afraid. I have not finished YET.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - aries22 - 13-06-2015
The wife says sex is better on holiday.
Really not the sort of postcard anyone likes to receive.