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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 13-01-2023
My phone just rang .
It was a woman ringing from Liverpool via Mumbai asking me if someone in my family had been in a car accident to which i replied,
'' You took your bloody time ,it was 35 years ago !!! ''
DD #No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 22-01-2023
Some friends are holding a joint party for the Chinese New Year and Burn`s night, and have called it Chinese-Burns night.
I wasn`t keen on going, but, they twisted my arm.
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - drewks - 22-01-2023
My Gran just had her stair lift removed.
She said it was driving her up the wall
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-01-2023
Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia .
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Pete.
Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-02-2023
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said “Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.”
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high-pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”
The trainer exclaimed, “That's what finished him off?”
“Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.”
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-02-2023
A farmer from Texas visits a farmer in Australia.
The Aussie shows him his corn field, the yank says"back home in Texas we have fields 10 times that size and about 2 meters higher."
Then he shows him his heard of cows. " back hom in Texas we have Cattle heards around 10,000 strong and each one weighs about a ton more than these"
Just then a group of Kangaroos come bouncing into the meadow " well what the hell are these? " says the yank.
The Aussie looks at him and says "don't you have Grasshoppers back home in Texas".
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 04-02-2023
Not bragging but, I just went into another room and remembered why I went in there.
It was the bathroom but still.......
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-02-2023
QUESTION:
You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?
ANSWERS:
London Metropolitan Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Australian Police Officer:
BANG !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Scottish Police Officer:
"Ho bawbag....! Drop the wee knife right this minute unless ye want it stuck up yer erse!"
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 13-02-2023
Looking for a bit of advice.....
What`s the best number of roses to give the G/F on Valentines day?
6,
12,
18 or should I let her have the whole tin?
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-02-2023
The G/F just said "Three girls in the office got flowers for Valentines today, and they are absolutely gorgeous".
I replied "That will be why, then!"
DD#No1