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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 11-04-2015
Apparently clumsy people are more likely to be obese.
That's because they keep walking into things,
Like xxxx McDonald's, Burger king, KFC,Gregs etc
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 12-04-2015
Two cops were sent to deal with a domestic incident and on arrival found the husband dead on the kitchen floor. His wife had shot him because he'd walked on the wet floor that she'd just cleaned.
One cop called it in and explained to the sergeant back at base what had occurred.
The sergeant asked if they'd arrested the wife.
The reply was no as the floor was still wet.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 13-04-2015
A Romanian girl is about to get married.
Her Mum says to her,"Emerald,you do realise that when you're married your husband will want to stick his most prized possession into where you pi$$?"
Emerald replies,"Don´t be silly Ma,how the xxxx is he gonna fit his Horse an cart in the kitchen sink?"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 13-04-2015
I just trained my dog how to fetch a beer.
Now this may not sound all that impressive,
But he gets them from my neighbour's fridge!!.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 15-04-2015
Heard about the Red Indian chief who drank 2 gallons of tea?
He was found drowned in his own tepee.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 22-04-2015
What's the best name for a girlfriend?
Ikea.
She's Swedish,
She's inexpensive
You can take her home the same day
You can have her mounted in ten minutes.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - St Charles Owl - 22-04-2015
(22-04-2015, 11:06)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: What's the best name for a girlfriend?
Ikea.
She's Swedish,
She's inexpensive
You can take her home the same day
You can have her mounted in ten minutes.
DD
And you can return her with no questions asked if she doesn't work out for you!!!
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 22-04-2015
According to a study at Cambridge University this year, women who have large arseholes tend to live a hell of a lot longer than the husbands who comment on them.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 22-04-2015
During these times of scarce jobs, a bloke's got to do what a bloke's got to do...
A retired man went into the Job Centre in Dudley, and saw a card advertising for a 'Gynaecologist's Assistant'. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read: "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. The annual salary is £65,000 - and you'll have to go to Haverfodwest, Pembrokeshire."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
"No sir, that's where the end of the queue is right now."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-04-2015
What are you??
Vain: You love the smell of your own farts.
Amiable: You love the smell of other people's farts.
Proud: You think your farts are exceptionally fine.
Shy: You release silent farts and then blush.
Impudent: You boldly fart out loud and then laugh.
Unfortunate: You try really hard to fart, but you poop instead.
Scientific: You fart regularly but you're concerned about pollution.
Nervous: You stop in the middle of your fart.
Honest: You admit that you farted but offer good medical reasons.
Dishonest: You fart and then blame the dog.
Foolish: You suppress your farts for hours.
Thrifty: You always keep a couple of good farts in reserve.
Anti-Social: When the need arises, you excuse yourself from the room and fart in private.
Strategic: You fart and then conceal it with loud coughing.
Sadistic: You fart in bed and then pull the cover up over your partner's head.
Intellectual: You can determine from the smell of any fart exactly what food item had been consumed.
Athletic: You fart at the slightest exertion.
Miserable: You would love to let one out, but you are unable to fart.
Sensitive: You fart and then start crying.
DD
