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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 31-03-2015
So, Cameron,Clegg,Milliband and Sturgeon are in the pub, Sturgeon is bored so checks her watch, panic it's gone, she looks down and sees Cameron is standing on it, he's haranguing Milliband saying he's a loser, can't win and will have to rely on the SNP to gain power.
Enraged Sturgeon strides over and gives Cameron two massive whacks with her handbag decking him, standing over the prostrate PM she snarls "yer noo getting away wi' that....not on my watch"
Bored with the election already. DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 03-04-2015
DID YOU KNOW.......
Just in case you ever got these two mixed up, This should make things a bit more clear....
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share with some idiot who pees on the toilet.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you can't speak to your family.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK they are called Managers
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 08-04-2015
One for the Ladies only.
FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT: An email was recently sent out asking women to post the colour of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix this, you must remove your bra, then go to Settings > Enable Webcam > Record Movie and send to me as soon as possible.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 09-04-2015
A man is staying at a small hotel. Every morning, there would be a knock on the door. A beautiful young maid would gently wake him up, and then give him a bl*wjob, followed by his morning cuppa. The man thought that this was fantastic, and so every day would begin in this manner.
At the end of his stay, he went to reception to settle up. On looking at the bill, it was quite a bit more than he thought it was going to be. When he asked the manager why this was the case, the manager replied:
'Well sir, you did make full use of the goblin teasmade'!!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 09-04-2015
A 93 year old man died an as he had no Family or relatives, the funeral director advertised for mourners.
50 women applied.
Aparrently he had made a mistake in the papers and instead of mourners, advertised for MOANERS.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 09-04-2015
A woman takes her 12 year old son to the doctors, and tells the doc that he must look at her sons tadger because its far too small for a 12 year old....
So the doc has a look and says "Yes it is very small for his age.....however don't worry I have the solution for that"
"Is it surgery he needs" says mum......
"No" says the doc....
"Prescription tablets then" says mum......
"No says the doc......"Its burnt toast"
"Burnt toast" says mum....."Are you sure" ??
"Yes......its not a well known thing, but trust me feed him lots of burnt toast and bring him back in a months time .....im sure it will have grown twice the size it is now"
The next morning the lad comes down for breakfast and there is burnt toast all over the kitchen......his mum has 7 toasters on the go....stacks and stacks of burnt toast on the table....all along the benches.....
The lad says..."Mum...i'll never eat all that"......
"I know love" says mum....."The top two slices are yours...the rest is for your dad".....
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 10-04-2015
My daughter asked me "Can my boyfriend stay over tonight?"
"Can he xxxx!!!" I said
"Like a rabbit" was not the reply I was looking for.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 10-04-2015
A must for all of us over 50, as well as those who are getting there.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Eventually you will be able to try 50-lb potato bags in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 10-04-2015
Three Irishmen are sat in a pub.Mick says,"Women are so stupid.My wife just bought a car and she can't even drive!"
Shamus says,"That's nothing.My wife's on a diet and she's not even fat!"
Paddy says,"That's xxxx all.My wife's taken 30 Condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 11-04-2015
BBQ RULES:
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
DDÂ
