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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-03-2015
This is a genuine German joke........
A couple are having "marital difficulties", so the wife goes to see a therapist who advises her to try to use her imagination to spice things up a bit. Anxious to follow this advice, she buys some hot, black lingerie and fishnets, and awaits her husband's return in the hall, stockinged leg draped provocatively over a chair, Marlene Dietrich style.
Her husband finally comes home, but turns ashen faced when he sees her.
"Oh no. You're dressed all in black. Has something happened to mother??"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 28-03-2015
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
DD God Save The Queen. (If Only)
RE: The Off Topic Thread - pieandabovril - 28-03-2015
One other thing to add to the list Dingle.Whatever you Americans call Corned Beef,it aint Corned Beef.Only tinned Princes Corned Beef will be sold in the US from now on!
RE: The Off Topic Thread - talkSAFT - 28-03-2015
Anybody watching "Gotham"?
The Penguin has to be the best TV character of all time. You hate him and love him at the same time. Brilliant!
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-03-2015
(28-03-2015, 09:57)pieandabovril Wrote: One other thing to add to the list Dingle.Whatever you Americans call Corned Beef,it aint Corned Beef.Only tinned Princes Corned Beef will be sold in the US from now on!
It`s Salt Beef. It`s a Jewish thing and actually I quite like it.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - silverbaggie - 29-03-2015
One more thing to add to the list.
You will NOT expect us to join you in your often unwarranted interference and attacks on other states on the pretext of protecting the West when we all know that the reason really is your wish to protect your oil supplies from around the world.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - betterthanbaird - 29-03-2015
Anyone got ideas for the theme of the last away game?
I just started wondering for some reason.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-03-2015
Last night my G/F sent me a text, saying she was in Casualty. When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it........
Never saw her once.
She still hasn`t come home yet. I`m starving. ;-)
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Salopbaggie - 29-03-2015
Dear Aunt 606
I have a dilemma.
Sadly, I admit to watching "The Voice". On last night show Sasha Simone, who has been my favourite from the start uttered the phrase "up the wo1ve5".
I am really confused on one hand I want her to win, but how can I support one of them.
Please tell me, what should I do?
RE: The Off Topic Thread - silverbaggie - 29-03-2015
I'm afraid there's no hope for you as evidenced by the fact that your watching The Voice.