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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Salopbaggie - 13-09-2014
Just watched Birmingham v Leeds, the bluenoses have a young lad Demarai Gray 18, who I don't know if he was having a particularly good game, as I have not seen him before as I remember. He reminded me so much of a young Laurie Cunningham he can go from 0 - 60 in a couple of steps, looking like the ball is glued to his foot. Maybe a nice Christmas present for us
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-09-2014
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren"; and “poof”, she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and “poof”, she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 16-09-2014
I was reading an article last night about Father`s and Son`s and the memories come flooding back of the time I took my Son out for his first pint.
I got him a Fosters. He didn`t like it so I had it.
Then I got him a Carlsberg. He didn`t like it so I had it.
It was the same with the Guiness and Cider.
By the time we got to the Whisky I could hardly push the pram. DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 17-09-2014
A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the fuckin Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
DD
Chinese takeaway £5.80p
Petrol to pick it up £1.40p
Getting home and finding out your a container short................. RICELESS.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-09-2014
And another thing, all this talk about sea levels rising due to global warming is a load of cobblers, the real reason is that the sea is chocka-block with whales, we're all doomed DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 19-09-2014
A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘lion tamer’ and two people show up.
One is an ex soldier in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history."
"Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He then turns to the retired soldier and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old soldier replies, "Possibly...but you've got to get that lion out of there first."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 19-09-2014
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath,
but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to,
she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.. She was surprised to see that the lass
didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He
didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked:"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you
have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the
girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very
generously indeed..
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you
see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often
enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 20-09-2014
Wolverhampton council have scrapped plans to Show the panto "Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs" after the Dwarfs complained of discrimination.
Dealer,stealer, mugger, scrounger, skiver, bummer and boozer said they would rather be called "Midgets" and there was no way they were going to sing the song, "Hi ho, hi ho, it´s off to work we go"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 21-09-2014
Got a girl back to my place last night but it ended with erection problems.
She had one.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 21-09-2014
This morning I bought two boxes of XXXX beer cheap at the local Bottlemart.
I placed the boxes on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She spied the two boxes of brew and leaned in my passenger window, her bits nigh on falling out her skimpy top and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
Without thinking i said, "Brill love,i just spent me last cash on this cheap crap, hope you got some decent stuff. What kind of beer you got?"
DD
