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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-01-2020
Starting this Thursday, some movie theatres will not allow large bags inside the theatre.
But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-01-2020
I`m so glad I was taught how to play the recorder at school........
It has come in really handy in adult life. lost count of the number of times I`ve resolved a difficult situation with a quick blast of 3 blind mice.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-01-2020
So Gary goes to prison...
One Friday, Gary is walking around the courtyard checking the place out, he notices a a huge group of the inmates gathered around in a circle. Curious, he walks up to group and asks someone what's happening.
"Every Friday we get together and tell jokes. We've got some good ones. Check it out."
An inmate steps into the circle and says, "17."
The group erupts in laughter.
Gary doesn't get it. He asks what's so funny about 17.
"Well we've been telling the same jokes for so long, we've just started numbering them to save time."
Another inmate steps in and can barely hold his laughter. "290."
A couple of the guys in the group are rolling around with tears in their eyes. Another is vomiting from laughing so hard. One of them points to Gary. "Hey new guy, come tell us a joke."
Gary nervously steps into the circle and says "61". Nobody laughs.
"Try again new guy! You can do it!" He hears from somewhere in the crowd.
With a bit more confidence, Gary yells out "277!!"
Silence. He doesn't understand. He goes to the guy who invited him in. "Why didn't anybody laugh?"
He puts his hand on Gary's shoulder. "Sorry, man. Some people just can't tell jokes."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-01-2020
My two kids keep coughing so I took them to see the doctor today. "Do you smoke cigarettes in the house?" the doctor asked me.
"Yes." I replied. "About 20 a day."
"That's terrible!" He said, shaking his head. "Your habit is probably affecting your children more than it's affecting you. My advice to you would be to give them up."
"Fair enough, doc." I said, shaking his hand, "I'll call social services in the morning!!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-01-2020
I heard a woman screaming last night.
That`s the last time I buy my duct tape in poundland.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-01-2020
Wife calls her scientist husband...
"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."
"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"
"Whats that?"
"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."
"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-01-2020
Just got home and found a lovely note from the G/F. Now I know she loves me.
Hey Sweetie, I`m at the gym.
Dinner is on the stove, you only have to light it, the gas is already turned on.
Love you xxx
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-01-2020
On Sunday, it was announced from the pulpit that a large, anonymous donation had been made to the church.
The local butcher stood up: "Yes, I thought that was the best way to do it."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - drewks - 26-01-2020
I went up to the service counter at my bank on Friday. I said to the cashier "Can you just check my balance please".
She closed her position, walked round and pushed me over
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 28-01-2020
I told my G/F that I wanted to be cremated.
She has scheduled it for next Tuesday.
DD