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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-01-2020
Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday
One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.
The brunette left and decided to go shopping.
The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.
The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and saw her husband in bed with her boss. Mortified, she closed the door and crept out of the house.
The next day back at work, the girls met up and discussed if they should all skip out early again next week.
"No way" said the blonde, "Yesterday, I almost got caught!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-01-2020
LOVE ISLAND DRINKING GAME....
1 Wait until 9PM.
2 Turn off TV.
3 Go to pub.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 15-01-2020
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 16-01-2020
Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.
She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she realized she didn't have any onions.
"Well, I certainly cant make a delicious stew without any onions!" she exclaimed.
So, put the rabbit back in the barn and left everything else on the counter. She donned her bonnet and boots and decided to head down to the market to buy some onions.
She went straight to Tommy's produce stand. He always had the freshest vegetables.
"Well, top of the morning to you Mrs. O'Malley! How does this wonderful day find you?" Tommy greeted her.
"Ahh, well Tommy, I was going to make a stew for John, but I don't have any onions." Mrs. O'Malley lamented.
"Well, I'm sorry to say Mrs. O'Malley, but we are fresh out and I don't expect any onions until Thursday." Tommy replied.
"Oh, well I suppose Ill come back then, Tommy. Have a good day." Mrs. O'Malley said.
Well, Tuesday comes and Mrs. O'Malley sees all of her ingredients for the delicious stew are still on the counter.
"Well, I certainly cant make a delicious stew without onions! Ill head down to Tommy's, he always has the freshest vegetables!" Mrs. O'Malley claimed excitedly.
So, she donned her bonnet and boots and headed straight away for Tommy's.
"Wellll, its good to see you again, Mrs. O'Malley, and top of the morning to ya. What can I do for this morning!" Tommy smiled.
"Well Tommy, I was going to make a stew for John, but I don't have any onions. I came here straight away because you have the freshest onions!" Mrs. O'Malley said matter of factly.
Tommy chuckled, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, you must have forgotten. Today is Tuesday and I wont have any onions until Thursday!"
"Oh, of course. I will come back then." Mrs. O'Malley stated.
Wednesday rolls around and Mrs. O'Malley comes downstairs to find all the ingredients for a delicious stew on the table, but alas, there are no onions!
"Well, I cant very well make a delicious stew without any onions!" Mrs. O'Malley exclaimed. "Ill head straight away to Tommy's. He always has the freshest vegetables."
So, she donned her bonnet and boots and headed for Tommy's.
Tommy see's Mrs. O'Malley headed for his stand and, lets just say Tommy wasn't have a top of the morning.
"Hello, Mrs. O'Malley. What do you want." Tommy grumbled.
"Well, Tommy, I was going to make a stew---" Mrs. O'Malley started.
"Ya, you were going to make a stew for John and you don't have any onions." Tommy said, cutting her off.
"Well, that's right Tommy, how did you know?" Mrs. O'Malley said surprisingly.
"Mrs. O'Malley, let me ask you a couple of questions. If you take the A-T-O out of potato, what do you get?"
"Well Tommy, I suppose you would get POT." Mrs. O'Malley said.
"Right, okay, if you take the A-T-O of tomato, what do you get?" Tommy asked.
"Well, you would certainly get TOM!" Mrs. O'Malley said with a smile.
"Very good, Mrs. O'Malley, now, if you take the F-U-C-K out of onions, what do you get?" Tommy asked, his patience running thin.
"Well Tommy, I... well, there is no xxxx in onions" Mrs. O'Malley said, very confused.
"THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU MRS. O'MALLEY!" Tommy screamed.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-01-2020
My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 19-01-2020
Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.
"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?"
"Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!"
The first guy thinks of a solution. "We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do."
His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy.
Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues.
By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well.
The church bursts into hard laughter.
Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two American men leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who spoke English.
"We're well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says.
The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you."
"Yes," replied the other American.
"Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child... and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 20-01-2020
The owner of the local cinema died today
His funeral is on:
Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15
Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00
Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15
Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 21-01-2020
A LITTLE BOY got on the bus and sat next to a man reading a book. The boy noticed the man had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man. who was a priest, said "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My daddy dosen't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy replied, My dad has four boys, four girls and two grand children, and he dosen't wear his collar that way."
Getting impatient, the priest said, "I am the Father of hundreds,"and he went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, leaned over and said "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 21-01-2020
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.
“Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?”
“You don’t get milk from milkweed!” the farmer replied.
“Oh yes” said the young man “I have a degree in Agriculture I know all about it”.
“Well, help yourself” said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. “Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?”
“You don’t get honey from honeysuckle!” said the farmer.
Again, the young man explained about his degree so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.
Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer’s house “Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow trees down by the creek”.
The farmer said “Let me get my shoes and I’ll go with you!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 22-01-2020
I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"
The boss said "You have a wee cough?"
I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"
DD