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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-11-2019
Hold your Wife`s hand in the mall. It looks romantic, but it`s actually economic. Because if you let go, she`ll start shopping.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-11-2019
Walking down the street, a Member of Parliament is hit by a lorry and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter. He says, "
'Welcome to heaven. Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see anyone in such a high office around here, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'Just let me in,' says the politician.
'Well, I'd like to but I have instructions from above. You'll have to spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven, then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' replies St Peter
With that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he went down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, a very nice, friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They're having such a good time that before he realises, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave as the lift rises....
The door opens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to show you around Heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to Hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and refuse.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more garbage falls from above.
The Devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the MP, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning...
Today you voted.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-11-2019
Wolverhamptons Annual Classiest woman contest got off to a rip roaring start on Friday night outside a club after Becky and Stacey , both mothers of seven from Priestfield got into a no holds barred bitch fight over Wayne, a 22 year old Nike tracksuit wearing, Vauxhall Corsa driving, absolute tosspot, cocaine dealer from Bilston.
Wayne, who wears a fake Rolex, can barely put a sentence together and is one faulty brake light away from doing a 4 stretch said “tell you Bruv, dem bitches went strong, I been on dese roads since I was a younger and it was jokes how dey went at it fam”
A translator from West Midlands Police was not available to explain what the xxxx the jumped up little gutter rat was saying, so we are still none the wiser.
Both women were treated at the scene for loss of hair extensions, false eyelashes and Stacey was treated for shock after losing the badge off her fake Michael Kors handbag.
The Express and Dingle has learnt that the two women have been charged with possession of offensive make-up and wearing hideous highheels with intent to endanger life.
The competition continues Next Friday night.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-12-2019
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people.
I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-12-2019
It`s getting harder to find a decent Advent calendar.
I think their days are numbered.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 03-12-2019
What did Santa do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 04-12-2019
What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-12-2019
Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A: Deep pan, crisp and even!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 07-12-2019
If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know? I need to borrow some chairs.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 07-12-2019
I bought my G/F a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, my friend Dave said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," I replied. "But where am I going to find a fake Jeep?"
DD