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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-01-2015
Arriving home, Beefy was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"The Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Beefy drove down to confront the Chemist to demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just a minute
mate, hear my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late. Without breakfast I hurried out to the car,
to realise I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys."
"Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
About three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.
I started waiting on these people, all the time the damn phone never stopped ringing."
"Then I had to break open a bag of pound coins against the cash register drawer to give change,
and they spilled all over the floor
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the pound coins and the phone was still fk ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still fk ringing with no let up,and I finally got to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
DD Got a loaner
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-01-2015
A very rich (is there one who isn't ?) Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
He does this once again for the third time, but not including the Jew again. The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender: "what the hell is the matter with that Jew ? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 113 of them but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he stupid ?"
"Nope", replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-01-2015
Are you an Alcoholic and Need help?
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. You desperatly need that next drink be it Wine, Spirit or Beer?
Well we can help. Ring 024577/25487 and we´ll be there within the hour with whatever you ordered at Special rates.
Greedy Pigs Off Licence - Open all Hours Licenced to sell Wines, Spirits and Beers to anyone who wants them.
Free door to door delivery.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - betterthanbaird - 24-01-2015
Lee clark throw away a 2 goal lead to concede 7.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-01-2015
The G/F is flying off on her Holiday tomorrow, so I said to her
"Make sure you sit at the back of the plane"
She said sarcastically "Why? Is it because they never reverse into mountains?"
"No" I said "It'll keep the nose of the aircraft up"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-01-2015
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, an old geezer's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag ....
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-01-2015
A year 4 teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman and so forth.
However, little Beefy was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Beefy aside, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," little Beefy said, "He works for the Labour Party trying to get Milliband elected Prime Minister; but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - silverbaggie - 27-01-2015
(26-01-2015, 15:41)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: A year 4 teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman and so forth.
However, little Beefy was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Beefy aside, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," little Beefy said, "He works for the Labour Party trying to get Milliband elected Prime Minister; but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
DD
AMEN TO THAT!!!!!!
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 28-01-2015
A Dingle woman went to a gynocologist and asked for an abortion.
The gynocologist asked her, "Well how Long is it since conception then?"
She pondered first and after 5 minutes she said,, " Trevor, how old are you?"
"14" he said.
"Well Doctor, it must be 5110 days now.!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-01-2015
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place
called "the world"
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the
air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person
you're holding underwater.
See! You're smiling already.
DD
