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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - silverbaggie - 16-06-2019
There was a literary conference held in London where the final question posed to the delegates was "could anybody explain the difference between the words COMPLETE and FINISHED."
Many people tried but without success until a young Malaysian professor came up with a much appreciated definition.
He said " If you marry the right woman then you are COMPLETE. If you marry the wrong woman you are FINISHED."
" However If the right woman catches you with the wrong woman you are COMPLETELY FINISHED.!!!
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 17-06-2019
Just spotted Sinead O'connor bird watching.
I asked how she was getting on.
She said "so far it's been 7 owls and 15 jays"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-06-2019
My housemates reckon this house is haunted.
I disagree, I`ve lived here for 274 years and have never seen anything.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - silverbaggie - 19-06-2019
A Police constable makes a desperate call to his local station for backup.
It seems that a little old lady has shot her husband dead because he walked across her newly mopped floor.
"Have you arrested her yet " came the reply.
"No" said the PC.
"Why not"? asked the duty sergeant.
"Because the floor's still wet" came the reply.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 21-06-2019
Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To the bathroom to get my teeth," he replied.
DD
When someone says, "You are the last person on my list I would want to hurt", there are two things to instantly consider. They already have a list, and you are xxxx on it.
Why do birds suddenly appear….Everytime you are near…. Well to be fair Karen, its because you did keep throwing your xxxx food away!
Skin tags make a tasty meat alternative to rice krispies and are calorie neutral (if picked from your own body, not so if nicked from sleeping partners or complete strangers!)
Builders…..barrier cream makes an excellent contraceptive.
Make bringing back Grammar Schools more attractive by making the 11+ easy enough for everyone to pass. It xxxx worked for GCSEs and A levels.
Diane Abbott on Iraq: Of course I know who Sunni and Shia are; they sang 'I Got You Babe'!
Just heard someone say Chips & Fish... I've never felt so irritated, why don't you go fetch the xxxx pepper and salt from Dec and Ant while you're at it!!
People called 'Andre'- Don't end your texts with a kiss.
Two jars filled with raspberry flavoured jelly and strapped to your noggin make excellent, rose-tinted spectacles.
Don’t xxxx with people with a blank profile pic, if they are that shit scared of their own fizzhog so should you be
Like photo bombing? Get your camera Halal certified.
After this week I reaIly need to get taken out....on a date or by a sniper, either one is fine with me at this point
Ladies - You know that thing you do when changing in or out of a bathing suit on a beach in public? Try it at a dance competition or contortionist convention. You're sure to win a prize
Don't go to Oak Furniture land... Worst theme park ever.. The kids xxxx hated it.
Get your own back on the library-take your books back a week early and demand 35p compensation.
Gardening enthusiasts? Throw noisy fireworks behind groups of horse & pony riders! Yes, the animals will bolt, but they'll leave enough shit behind them to keep your roses going for an entire decade!
Lesbians. Surely you should be buying plastic vaginas instead of big replica dildo cocks when you masturbate. It's the sheer hypocrisy of it that potentially bothers me.
According to the God botherers, if it’s one or one thousands sins you’re still going to hell, so go for a million and arrive down there as an almighty legend. (Sorry Vic)
Did you know the clitoris has around 8000 nerve endings and it's still not as sensitive as a Remoaner Labour voter on the Internet!!
Tired of wasting money on sex toys for the missus? Pop her on the edge of the washing machine during a fast spin, get her to think about sausages, then simply wait for her lower kettle to start whistling!! Job done
Create fear and mass panic in a lift simply by jumping.
Remember Mums, drinking can seriously harm your baby. Especially if you're in Portugal and can't be arsed to pay for a babysitter.
LEAVERS: do you get terribly riled and upset by Remainers and their undemocratic position on Brexit? Do you get awfully angry with them? Simply call them a Snowflake. Works a treat.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced, people actually think you are just stupid.
Don’t buy underwear from the Ukraine. Why? Because Chernobyl fallout.
My little baby nephew ate a load of scrabble tiles, now his shit makes more sense than Westminster.
I will never tire of sending drunk random messages like this to random numbers:
00:36am It’s done. Was messy but it’s done. From this moment forward we don't know each other
00:37am Sorry, who is this?
00:38am Very good
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 21-06-2019
I was on a train this morning, in the loo having a shit, when someone banged on the door and a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a dump."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 21-06-2019
Paddy takes his son to the Zoo. where a sign says "Feed the elephant a bun to get your age".
The son gives the elephant a bun and the elephant stamps it`s foot six time.
"Wow", says the son, "That`s right Dad, you have a go"
So Paddy gives the elephant a bun....
A moment later the elephant farts and stamps it`s foot twice.
"Bejaysus" says Paddy, "thats right. I am farty two"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 22-06-2019
It`s been a bit of a strange day really.
First I found a hat full of money.
Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - drewks - 22-06-2019
DD - we've missed you
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-06-2019
If anyone see`s me in a bathing suit this summer, mind your own buisiness........
I like my food.
DD