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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-04-2018
Wrongfoot someone on Sportsbabble by liking their comment when they call you a twat.
Cause absolute xxxx chaos at your next Hokey Cokey Dance Meeting by putting your left leg "out" first
Wasps don't go away when you tell them to 'xxxx Off', so save your breath
When I BBQ meat on the grill, I like to marinate it in a brine made with tears of a thousand Vegans.
Advertisers: Nobody wants to hear the term "Vaginal Dryness" at the best of times, certainly not during family breakfast, causing the panicky avoidance of questions from my 7 year old child.
If you buy that face cream that combats the 7 signs of ageing expecting it to stop you shitting the bed and mindlessly arseing about with your wheelie bins at all hours of the day and night you will be severely disappointed.
"Yoko. Oh no!". Exclamation of deep despair, oft heard by groups of lads in any local pub across the length and breadth of the country when, upon looking forward to an evening of fart jokes, casual sexism and drinking themselves insensible, they spot their mate walking through the door with the fun-extractor in tow.
I don't see the point in threesomes when it's just another woman to disappoint.
What is the difference between a Comma and a Cat? A comma is a pause at end of clause and a cat has claws at the end of its Oh FFS, that’s pathetic!
All you Scottish students crying over their exam results. Rab C Nesbitt seems perfectly happy with his lot and he's never passed a xxxx exam in his life.
Want to smile all day? Get in the shower before your wife and use the bar of soap to wash your arse last.
Get the day off work by discovering a body in the park while out with your dogs. This is far easier than you think if you live in Wolverhampton.
ALCOHOLICS: You can get another £30 per week if you get a dog, and you can get a dog pissed for less than a pound a day. Quids in.
Post Brexit, a gnat's todger will be instated as an official unit of Imperial measurement.
Due to political correctness it is no longer acceptable to call anyone a homosexual. From now on gay men must be referred to as analysts.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness
I'm always the first one to say "I love you" in a gangbang.
Wearing cotton socks will ensure you will constantly be blessed.
When next visiting your local Chinese takeaway put a colander on your head and pull the skin tight around your eyes whilst singing the Ying Tong song, they will be in fits of laughter but be careful, after the first few times I could hear the cook laughing so hard in the kitchen that he went into a coughing fit and hocked up all sorts of phlegm which only stopped when he brought out my Chicken Chow Mein poor chap.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 03-04-2018
Thought of the Day........
Do you get a courtesy dog if you have pet insurance and your dog is in the Vets??
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 03-04-2018
I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean.......
I just wish they`d told me I had to eat them.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 04-04-2018
Some of you old duffers may find this handy.....>>>>>
SENIORS TEXTING CODE ... ATD - At The Doctors ..
BFF - Best Friend Fell ...
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair ...
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth ...
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was ...
GGPBL - Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low ...
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On ...
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out ...
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner ...
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas ...
ROFLACGU - Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up...
Feel free to add your own.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 04-04-2018
Father Michael", I shouted to the elderly priest, "Father Michael, It's good to see you again."
"Hello Doug” he responded by taking my outstretched hand.
"It's been a long time. I'm surprised you seem so pleased to see me.....after.....well, you know what happened the last time we were together."
I sensed his apprehension. "It's okay Father.. I don't blame you... Seriously Father. It was my fault."
"I wish I could feel the same," he said quietly.
"But I should have known better." I said.
He turned his head away from me slightly and said quietly, "I'm really sorry Doug.” If it's any consolation, I ask God for forgiveness every single night in my Prayers."
"Seriously Father.. It wasn't your fault." Said I.
"It's nice of you to say so Doug.” but I still feel terribly guilty." replied the Father.
"Don't," I replied, “After All. I was the silly, xxxx who asked Her to Marry Me.".
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 04-04-2018
A man enters a confessional, and says to the Irish Priest,
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession, and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the Priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the Priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the Priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle, and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The Priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The Priest turns to the altar boy and asks in a whisper, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies ................. "No Father,
I think it's just the reflection off her shoes"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-04-2018
The telephone rang at dawn. “Hello, Señor Ralph? This is Alfredo, the caretaker at your country house.”
“Hi, Alfredo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Señor Ralph, that your parrot died.”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”
“Yes, Señor, that’s the one.”
“Damn! That’s a pity. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”
“From eating rotten meat, Señor Ralph.”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Señor Ralph.”
“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
“Yes, Señor Ralph, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”
“My God! What fire are you talking about?”
“The one at your house, Señor. A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.”
“What the hell . . . ? Are you telling me that my £5m mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”
“Yes, Señor Ralph.”
“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Señor Ralph.”
“What bloody funeral?”
“Your wife’s, Señor Ralph. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods’ Nike driver.”
There was a lengthy silence.
“Alfredo, if you broke that driver, you’re in real trouble…”....
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-04-2018
Enough said. DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 06-04-2018
.If a feminist tells you that women can do anything a man can then agree with her. After waiting just a moment make the same statement and see if she can agree like you did.
I was best man at my mate Daves wedding. When I did my speech I said "I hope Dave and Tracey have a long and happy life together and enjoy their fortnight in North Wales".
There was a bit of heckling going on and some xxxx shouted "they’re going to Tenerife you knob".
I looked at my notes and said "sorry about that, I thought Dave said he was going to Bangor for two weeks"
WASPS make a low cost readily available alternative for beekeepers who can't be arsed to collect honey but want to keep nasty stinging yellow bastard arsed flying insects.
Recreate the thrill of the Pamplona Bull run by pushing the "fucked wheel" trolley to the reduced section in Asda
My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Shite surgeon
Vapers, take up smoking. You will cease looking like a twat and will no longer have a popcorny/piss smelling cloud following you like you’re a coal fired power station cooling tower.
NO means NO. Unless she's dyslexic, then it's ON!!!
We had a team building competition at work. I won! Result, YAY ME!
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else
Whilst having sex with my gf last night, I huffed, rolled off and said, “It’s like xxxx an inflatable sex doll.” She looked at me completely shocked. “You’re not helping yourself here.” I said.
Can't afford to leap on the trending Prosecco bandwagon ? Simply add vinegar to a glass of cheap bleach.
I couldn’t xxxx believe it when my grandmother died on her 100th birthday. We were only halfway through the bumps ffs.
A stranger at Primark just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live
Create your own exotic animal skin rug by driving a steam roller around a safari park.
A set of 3 darts for sale. Contact Mrs Bristow. Too soon? Oche, sorry.
A female loves to golf with her husband, but her game could improve, so she decides to take private lessons. The wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says,"No, no, no, you"re gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you"d hold your husband"s penis."
The wife takes the advice, swings & Thump. The ball goes straight down the fairway...about 15 ft
."That was great," the pro says with a straight face."Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you"re supposed to!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 08-04-2018
Please pray for my G/F.......
There is nothing wrong with her, she is just a xxxx idiot.
DD
