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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-03-2018
Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.
She had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"
"I nearly died of shame!" She answers!
“Why?” Her Mother asked.
Annie said, “Kate from down the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”
Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No... well that's how I felt when I had to tell them that we were so poor....that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-03-2018
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 28-03-2018
My G/F said to me today "Notice anything different dear"
I looked up from the footy and said "You've lost weight?"
"No!
"Had your hair done?"
"No!"
"New dress?"
"I wish !"
"Had a facial maybe botox?"
"No dear"
"I give up" I said
She hissed "I'm wearing a xxxx GAS MASK!!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 28-03-2018
New Aussie Cricket Emblem
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-03-2018
A husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting
an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a
thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.
He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head,
then bend over, touch her toes and cough.
Finally he said, "Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will go talk to
your husband".
The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well,
you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection
either."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-03-2018
"Will you do my back, love?" asked my G/F, sitting in the bath.
"Certainly dear," I said, "pass me the razor."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 31-03-2018
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE SYMPTOM
1. Feet cold and wet
CAUSE - Glass being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
2. Feet warm and wet
CAUSE - Improper Bladder Control
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
3. Beer unusually pale and tasteless
CAUSE - A. Glass empty OR B. You're holding a Coors Lite
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Get someone to buy you another beer
4. Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
CAUSE - You have fallen over backward.
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Have yourself lashed to the bar
5. Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
CAUSE - You have fallen forward
CORRECTIVE ACTION - See above
6. Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
CAUSE - A. Mouth not open OR B. Glass applied to wrong part of face
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror
7. Floor Blurred
CAUSE - You are looking through bottom of empty glass
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Get someone to buy you another beer
8. Floor moving
CAUSE - You are being carried out
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Find out if you are being taken to another bar
9. Room seems unusually dark
CAUSE - Bar has closed
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Confirm home address with bartender. If staff have gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.
10. Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
CAUSE - Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
11. Everyone looks up to you and smiles
CAUSE - You are dancing on the table
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Fall on someone cushy-looking
12. Beer is crystal-clear
CAUSE - It's water!
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him
13. People are standing around urinals, talking
CAUSE - You're in the ladies' room. Do not use urinal!
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting (optional)
14. Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
CAUSE - You have been in a fight
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them
15. You don't recognize anyone or the room you're in
CAUSE - You've wandered into the wrong party
CORRECTIVE ACTION - See if they have free beer
16. Your bedroom is painted grey, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
CAUSE - A. You're in jail OR B. You're in the navy
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
17. You are dancing to a Village People song and your partner is wearing leather chaps
CAUSE - You're in a gay bar
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for back rubs
18. Your singing sounds distorted
CAUSE - The beer is too weak
CORRECTIVE ACTION - Have more beer until your voice improves
19 . Don't remember the words to the song
CAUSE - Beer is just right
CORRECTIVE ACTION - play air guitar.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-04-2018
My car failed it`s emissions test today........... Fuming.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-04-2018
***CNN NEWS SPECIAL***
Donald Trump is finally in talks with advisors to ban all guns and assault rifles following the recent spate of mass shootings in schools. He said in a statement: “I will no longer take handouts from the NRA.... Our children come first, not money. It’s time to look to our neighbours, where total gun control results in zero mass shootings. My predecessors already knew this but were corrupted by money. I promise not to make that same mistake.”
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APRIL FOOLS YOU IDIOTS!!!!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-04-2018
After many years of marriage, Beefy has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to Mrs Beef and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. Mrs Beef was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract Beefy`s attention, he’d just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and Mrs Beef was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, she saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported “Baggy bird” and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, “Baggy bird! The table!”
Immediately, the Baggy bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, “Baggy bird! The shelf!”
Again the Baggy bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
“Wow!” said Mrs Beef, “If this doesn’t attract my husband’s attention, nothing will!” So, she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, Beefy was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. “Honey!” she exclaimed, “I’ve got a surprise for you! A Baggy bird!”
Beefy, in his usual bored tone replied, “Baggy Bird, my arse!”
DD