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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 20-02-2018
While riding my bike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my G/F will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my G/F won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my G/F is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 20-02-2018
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas?!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-02-2018
The Welsh Bobsleigh team failed to qualify for this Winter Olympics.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-02-2018
WARNING!!!
I use shampoo in the shower, AND I just made a terrible discovery!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very
clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering
with Dawn dishwashing soap instead.as It's label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!
A man is out walking his dog beside a lake when he suddenly sees a
woman just managing to keep her head above water, but then slowly sink.
He dives in, grabs the woman and pulls her to the edge of the lake. He
places her on her back, raises her arms and starts making pumping
movements. Each time he pumps, a thick jet of water shoots out of her
mouth.
In the meantime, a cyclist has stopped and is watching the events,
shaking his head.
The man keeps pumping, but each time a thick jet of water still shoots out of her mouth.
The cyclist just shakes his head and says, "That's never going to work."
"Shut up! I know what I'm doing, I'm a doctor."
"Well," says the cyclist, "I'm a Sapper and I'm telling you if you
don't take her arse out of the water you'll pump the lake dry.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-02-2018
Disgusted to hear that despite the recent fiasco of DHL failing to deliver KFC products that they have now gone and won the Cadburys contract, great timing just before Easter!
Problem is they now don't know what to deliver first. The chicken or the egg!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-02-2018
I was in Wolverhampton earlier tonight,I came across a bunch of partying girls,I called over."Come on girls show us your tits".
One of them obliged with a quick flash,and shouted back,"Ok handsome show us your nuts".
So I started licking a lampost while moving my arms up and down at the same time....
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-02-2018
I saw a homeless man sleeping in a big cardboard box. Not wanting to disturb him i crept up and put a Starbucks cup on top.
He woke up and said thank you.
No problem i said smiling.
He looked up and said it's empty.
I said i know it's meant to be a chimney...
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-02-2018
The KFC emergency is over........
They have found the chicken. DHL. left it with a neighbour.
Don`t Panic.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-02-2018
A Dingle was sitting in a pub having a quiet drink as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the Dingle and
whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
The Dingle leapt up with fire in his eyes knocked him off his stool and
smacked the shit out of him.
He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car
park and returned to his seat at the bar.
Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over
another beer to the Dingle and said,
"I've never seen you react as badly as that before. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the Dingle replied. "Something about me getting a job."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 28-02-2018
Didn’t realise how bad the snow would be and didn’t get any milk, fortunately for me the old lady next door who lives alone has got 8 pints on her step so I doubt she’ll miss 1.
Im currently laughing so hard that a little wee escaped
A friend just shared a link that a ski center is closed because of the snow
Yes
A SKI center closed because of SNOW.
I`m not saying it`s cold outside but.......... I`ve just tripped over some Dog Toffee.
I farted whilst I was walking the dog, never smelt it till I was back in the house in the warm and it thawed out in me trousers.
DD
